Friday, 27 January 2017

Update - 🤗

Just popping in to update my Blog as it has been a little while and I've been keeping myself busy building a couple of Wix websites, both links provided on the right hand side :) 

I went back to work this week and it has done me good to be honest ... I'm not moping around and although I'm still struggling to sleep at night, I am actually getting about 2 - 3 hours now instead of zero sleep at all ... Yes I am worn out but maybe I just can't sub consciously cope with death ... I was terrible after my husband died, my sons were still so young, I used to put them to bed at 8 every night and I would be sat up all night watching over them and thinking ... You kind of feel like this can't be real and maybe the person you love who's died will just come home and make it all better again by being back .... It's so hard to process something so devastating and for me, it just sets my mind racing into hyperdrive and then I can't sleep, my anxiety kicks off, then I wind up in a vicious circle ... Work breaks the circle but the thinking and dwelling is still a monster for me right now ... 

As far as my graphics go, I have made quite a few more, I am uploading them to my Wix websites and plan on blogging from my Wix more so than here ... I love being on here, I just feel this is connected more so with the illness Sarcoidosis, I know I blog about other topics too but when I first created this page it was to do with a view of purely blogging about sarcoid.....

I guess there's only so much I can say about sarcoidosis, it's very sad how many of my sarcoidosis family on Facebook suffer so much, are so misunderstood and I hear of death from this illness all the time, I've even had a couple of online friends die from it ... It breaks my heart that it does this, so little awareness coupled with so much misunderstanding of what is for me and many of us, a very painful illness, my sight is deteriorating due to eye involvement, it caused a mini stroke and loss of feeling in my face, I have heart problems, I have difficulty breathing after climbing the stairs, just things like this I tell no one about, just plod along like I'm fine as I can't talk to anyone offline about it ... 

I've known sarcoidosis patients commit suicide as they can't cope with the pain any more ... How sad is that? How awful to be suffering so much and to feel you have no alternative but to end your life to be free from pain and misunderstanding ..... 

Well, I think I've said enough, I don't wish to rant, we all try our best and more than that we simply cannot do ... I like to think on the good things, my family, my dog, my job and the fact that I do have so much to be thankful for .... Sarcoidosis - I have it but it will never have me. 

Massive loves and hugs, head over to my Wix HERE to catch up on my latest blogs and tags/graphics updates! Love you all 

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Thank You 😘

It's been quite a while since my last blog, as you know if you've read the previous one, my beautiful mum passed away and I decided to put my big girl bloomers on and head back into the world... I went back to work, I tried to be as "normal" as possible given how heartbroken I actually am, I tried ..... I hopefully gave my sons as good a Christmas as I could .... But I just can't do life right now ... The depression and anxiety have really taken hold of me ... It hurts so much without my mum .... I just want my mum .... I want to hear her voice so much, I can't sleep at night as I lay awake thinking about her, or I'm trying to distract myself but in the end, it's still the same ... I miss mum, it hurts and I try to be as normal as I can but the pain of losing her isn't easing and I never expected it to ... In fact it hurts more every day .... 

This blog is titled thank you because without my brother and Maria, I know I would be a million times worse .... They've not given up on me even though I'm not talkative at all, I love hearing from them, I just struggle to respond ... I don't know how to do this, I need time to figure out where I'm going now without mum ... When my husband died, I always turned to mum ... Mum was there through everything, she even took on the role of Dad to my sons too ... We knew it, if ever there were a crisis, mum was there to help ... She had a wonderful gift of reading people very well too .... A gift I hope I now have too as I was shit at it back then LOL ... She knew when someone was taking advantage of me, very intuitive lady and very smart ... I wish I had her wisdom, she was so loved too by so many .... Her funeral was pretty much standing room only ... The service was beautiful, a service she would have been very proud to have .... I think she would be pleased with how it was all done and with her resting place ... I hope John and Maria read this because without them I would definitely be so much worse ... I've had clinical depression since my late husband passed away, I don't cope well with losing people I love, both in life and in death ... I have to learn to adapt to a way of carrying on with all this pain inside of me, I just don't know how yet but I hope to figure it out ... I'm signed off work for the rest of this week ... I think going back will help distract ... I miss Lynda too, I love how we get on well, we have coffee while we work, she's helped me so much and I don't think she really knows it ... I was so scared and frightened of going back into the world and working too and she has done wonders to help me feel like I belong somewhere and learn that there are indeed good people in this world other than my family .... 

On another note, I have been busy making tags and graphics in my free time, I've also built a web page in honour and loving memory of my mum ... Please call by if you have some time and would like to take a look round ... CLICK HERE ... I will also place the link in the tab bar at the top of the page too when I can .... Also I have added a shoutbox at the foot of my blog page, please feel free to say hello .. I'd love to hear from you and if you have any suggestions or requests ...

Big hugs and love for you all and thank you for calling by! 

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Haven't Posted In Ages - Going Through A Lot Right Now

Hi and first of all, sorry I haven't blogged in quite a while but things have been very upsetting to say the least.  My heart just isn't in anything right now, I'm lost ... Completely and utterly lost .... My mum died after a period of illness and I just can't get myself together at all, I can't face anything, I try and distract myself, I try and make some graphics, I try but nothing is working .... My kids and Eddie dog, my brother and Maria and my family are keeping me on track but I sill am so damn lost .... The word orphan is horrible but that is exactly what I am ... I can't cope knowing mum isn't there if I need a cuddle, I hate knowing my phone won't show up her number any more now she's gone ... I'll never hear her voice again .... When a thunderstorm kicks off there'll be no one phoning to see if I'm ok as she always rang as she knew I'd be petrified ... I miss her.

I miss everything about her .... I miss her so much.

So ..... With that said, I don't feel like saying much more, I will get back into blogging as and when I guess, but for now, as I said, my heart isn't into anything at all ... I go through the motions, I breathe and I put one foot in front of the other to walk, everything is just too much.

I also wanted to thank all of my family and friends who attended the funeral last week .... I got to see all my cousins and all my Italian family, I hope you read this as you all mean so much to me ... I can't thank my brother and Maria enough either for how kind they've been to me, I needed them and still need them so much .... Sometimes I wish I had never moved away from London, the only good thing about living where I am right now apart from the beautiful scenery is my friend Cec ... She's a real friend, a true friend and has one of the kindest hearts I have ever been so blessed to know ... I'm so lucky to know her and to call her my friend.

Anyway, I have made some more graphics but this isn't the post for them, for now I'll leave it there and update sometime in the future when I can hopefully focus better and my heart is once again in something .... Just anything other than being consumed right now with grief and loss.

Please take good care of yourselves, lots of love to you and thank you for calling by! 

This one's for you mum!

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Saturday Night Update 💟

So..... I'm sat here in an almost dark room, it's very peaceful, my eldest son is out partying and my youngest is away for a week with a friend ... The only sounds are my little Eddie dog snoring beside me and the heating clicking on and off .... It's rather cold outside, quite damp actually and my candles are shedding a dancing glimmer of orange and yellow lights onto the wall in front of me ... My computer desk/area is actually under my stairs LOL, just call me Harry Potter as I spend most of my free down time here :) ... I've spent over a week now in possibly the worse flare up I can remember .... The pain has been unbearable, I feel like I have been punched all over, the emotional draining of just everything piling on top of me has seen me decline also .... Hence what I am about to say...........

Whether you make a conscious decision to try and understand the illnesses I have, or not, please step back, take a few moments and think about what you say to not only me, but to anyone with chronic illness and pain.  No I don't mean to go on about it, yes I know this will pass but here are some of the things I have actually had said to me while being poorly........

1) What happened to the really cool person you used to be?
2) Once again you couldn't do something and get it right for once
3) I don't care if you have sarcoidosis, it's not that bad
4) You're fucking useless
5) It's all your fault
6) You really need to get a better job
7) You make no effort
8) You shouldn't be taking those pills, the doctor is wrong
9) You should go to the gym
10) No one cares

Just  some of the things said to me recently .... Nice huh?  Look, I appreciate that not everyone will understand and I totally and completely understand how hard it must be for anyone healthy to understand someone like myself .... However, tearing a person to pieces while they're down is not helpful, it's counter productive and will not help them ultimately .... Now, I'm a tough fucker, but yeah, some of that is pretty nasty .... I know it's not true, however, it is clear that it is someone else's truth and their reality .... I've had some pretty nasty things said to me lately, at a time when I could do with some kindness from people who I thought were friends but I'm not so sure any more .... With things the way they are with my mum, my illness being a bit too comfortable and pulling me down, it would have been a lot nicer and more helpful if certain things had not been said to me, even if the person feels completely justified in their opinion of me ... It's not very nice for me being on the receiving end and I wonder if you would feel the same way I do, if the tables were turned and you were on the receiving end?

So ..... Have a think ..... Does it really need to be said? Do you want to tear that person down even more than they already are?  Would you like it?

Now .... On a far more positive note, here are some of the latest tags I've made ... I hope you enjoy them and thank you for calling by! Love always, Gina xoxoxoxoxoxo

Friday, 21 October 2016

Just A Quick Blog Before I Lay In Bed All Night Unable To Sleep Again Because Of Pain! 🤕

Just a very quick update, been transfixed to Jacob Israel's videos this evening and the time just flew by, I also found the original video I watched on YouTube some years ago now ... Very chilling stuff, which I thought I would post here .... 

I also feel compelled to add Jacob Israel's latest video to my blog too, yes I'm totally off the topic of sarcoidosis, but this is an interest of mine and I firmly believe we need to be opening our eyes, minds and hearts to unite as something is heading our way! This has been an interest of mine ever since I can remember, even as a child I believed there was always more ... So here it is .... His uploads are amazing and he is an awesome guy!

Both are worth watching ... I'm going to now try and sleep, I probably won't be able to as I still feel like a punchbag ... Really hoping the upped dose of Lyrica kicks in soon! 

Goodnight and take care all of you, thank you for calling by ... I do try to make this about more than sarcoidosis, I want to share in my methods of distraction from pain, my hobbies and interests and to hopefully portray that there's more to life and to you than just an illness, despite the battles we all face daily.

My love to you all always, Gina xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Mid Week Update..... 🤕

Yes, I'm still sick unfortunately .... I've been in so much pain since the weekend, no letting up either, however after a mix up with the doctor, I think my meds are back in order ... Was told Monday I'd be having my Lyrica increased and as my prescriptions are sent electronically to the Chemist of my choice, I arrived there to find no Lyrica :( .... It is sorted now, my Co Codamol isn't helping as effectively as it once used to ... The pain is constant, my head gets no relief at all and if you ask me where it hurts, it's easier and less time consuming to say where it doesn't hurt ... Even my clothes hurt me, it's daft .... I'm sorry for complaining, I know I could be miles worse off ... I appreciate everything I have and feel so lucky, just hoping for some relief and soon now the Lyrica mix up is sorted ... I have literally done nothing ... Only the bare minimum and I'm still in pain ... I've been trying to detract my mind by making tags, listening to an Audiobook on the app (Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone - Read by Stephen Fry) It has helped ... I think anyone in chronic pain needs support, understanding and a distraction or hobby you can immerse yourself in completely ... It does help.  My distractions are making tags on Photoshop, gentle walks with my dog if I can manage it, Audiobooks, listening to relaxing music can help, something peaceful and gentle helps, I burn my Yankee candles, they help a lot too.  

I'm sat here hurting, it hurts to type ... I think it must be very difficult for a healthy, pain free person to understand .. I get that completely, it must be as you just cannot imagine the feeling like you've been literally punched everywhere and you cramp and stiffen up, the constant migraine, the desperate need for peace and quiet and no human contact (yes it does make you feel that way) the longing to be pain free so much ... Ok .. I will stop there as I prefer to focus on more positive events......

On a positive note, my sons are doing well, both make me so proud .... My eldest had his 21st recently, just can't believe where the time has gone ... My dog just makes me so happy too, he's my baby .... I love cuddling him at night, when I'm in pain I just snuggle into him, watch him sleep, kiss his ears and just watch the moonlight dancing and glimmering into my bedroom .. That in itself can be therapeutic ... Just need sleep LOL ... I'm exhausted right now ... I also love art ... Sometimes just immersing myself in art helps a lot too ... 

Ok, so here's my latest tag creations ... I'm enjoying making them, I am just so unsure on how I wish to animate them, so for now, they remain still LOL ... Enjoy them but please don't copy them or claim them as something you created, that's naughty and please don't remove any part inclusive of copyright, that's illegal so I did warn you :) However, please enjoy them, I like to think that people visiting like them .. I put a lot of time into making them and enjoy that time very much.

I hope you're all having the best week .... Thank you for calling by, love and hugs xoxoxoxoxo

Saturday, 15 October 2016

About Time I Updated..... 😋

So............ Where have I been? ... Nowhere, just so busy and stressed out ... I'm ok but I'm just very tired, I split my head open a short time ago, it's fine though, nothing a little glue and some tenderness couldn't cure ... I also went for my hip X-Ray and the results should've been back by now and aren't so I need to phone my doctor Monday and they said they'll chase up the hospital ... I've been making graphics, made quite a few actually, but non animated ... Been so busy with my kids, dog and housework privately it's just been mental to be honest ... I don't feel well at all ... I'm always in pain somewhere and I'm rather stressed out with work right now too, not because it's the people I'm around but more so a few changes brought in which just cause all of us stress ... I'm not sure right now about these changes, I think we will adapt in time ... It's just trying to get used to it all ... My mum's health has also declined very much ... I'm expecting a phone call anytime telling me to get there as she's not expected to live ... It's very difficult watching the one person I do have left leaving me piece by piece ... When everyone else walked out she was the only one who stayed ... I've sailed many stormy seas and felt very alone at times at the helm but she's always been there to make sure I don't go overboard and drown ... No one else either knew or gave a shit ... I'm also learning who my true friends are once more and that's all I'm saying here about it ... The less time I devote to that, the better.

Sarcoidosis wise, I feel terrible ... This morning I woke with every part of me hurting like a bitch ... My head is killing me, my bones hurt so bad today ... My eyes are sore and a bit blurry ... I think I'm in a flare up also as my lymph nodes are the size of golf balls lol ... They hurt so much as well ... I think once I get moving I might hopefully feel a little bit better ... My faithful and very beautiful little dog, Eddie, is sat beside me though and filling my heart and soul with such joy ... Every time I look at him, I fall in love so much more .... He is the love of my life and a main reason I continue to breathe ... With all this said, I do hope you are all doing great ... I appreciate you calling in and reading up on me ... It's nice that you care, should you do so ... Also, my youngest son mentioned The Mandela Effect to me ... Well, it just blew my mind when I started to research .... I also found an incredible YouTube channel run by a terrific guy named Jacob Israel ... His videos are definitely worth watching ... You can find him HERE so go check him out ... He is incredible!!!! 

So ... Would you like to see some of my latest non animated tags? If so, then please scroll down .... I don't do tutorials, not because I don't want to, I just do stuff differently and mostly in Photoshop ... I can try and explain, should you have questions but please bear with me as to the answers as sometimes I get all muddly fudded up LOL ... But I will so try my best to help you ... Have a wonderful weekend ... Lots of love to you all, always XOXOXOXOXO  💋 💋 💋 💋 💋

Ok ... So there you have it! I'm sorry if I've duplicated any uploads, I checked and I don't think I have but if I have then I'm sorry ... Also I feel compelled to mention this, it's not a pressing issue but I am wondering about anyone else out there who has had the same experience I have with someone going by the name of Ricky Bloodymoon? ... It's been mentioned to me by several people whose identities will remain private that she copies others ... I had this experience with her last year, she was dealt with appropriately after it was brought to my attention she had been copying me for several months ... She was very oddly behaved towards me, she unfriended me on Facebook and the other website, however, she didn't leave it there, she copied my stuff and foul mouthed me, lied and generally caused trouble ... If she has done or is doing this to you, my advice is don't stand for it ... Yes you'll be on the receiving end of her shit, I was for ages afterwards as she created fake accounts to stir up shit, but in the end you shouldn't have to stand for that crap .... I tried to be pleasant over it, she was just plain nasty ... You can only do and give so much before you just leave someone like that to it ... Just don't stand for it ... You shouldn't have to tolerate copying and plagiarism from anyone and if you know and can prove more than 100% this is happening to you, take action ... Be careful and be safe ... 💋 💋 💋 💋 💋