Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Haven't Posted In Ages - Going Through A Lot Right Now

Hi and first of all, sorry I haven't blogged in quite a while but things have been very upsetting to say the least.  My heart just isn't in anything right now, I'm lost ... Completely and utterly lost .... My mum died after a period of illness and I just can't get myself together at all, I can't face anything, I try and distract myself, I try and make some graphics, I try but nothing is working .... My kids and Eddie dog, my brother and Maria and my family are keeping me on track but I sill am so damn lost .... The word orphan is horrible but that is exactly what I am ... I can't cope knowing mum isn't there if I need a cuddle, I hate knowing my phone won't show up her number any more now she's gone ... I'll never hear her voice again .... When a thunderstorm kicks off there'll be no one phoning to see if I'm ok as she always rang as she knew I'd be petrified ... I miss her.

I miss everything about her .... I miss her so much.

So ..... With that said, I don't feel like saying much more, I will get back into blogging as and when I guess, but for now, as I said, my heart isn't into anything at all ... I go through the motions, I breathe and I put one foot in front of the other to walk, everything is just too much.

I also wanted to thank all of my family and friends who attended the funeral last week .... I got to see all my cousins and all my Italian family, I hope you read this as you all mean so much to me ... I can't thank my brother and Maria enough either for how kind they've been to me, I needed them and still need them so much .... Sometimes I wish I had never moved away from London, the only good thing about living where I am right now apart from the beautiful scenery is my friend Cec ... She's a real friend, a true friend and has one of the kindest hearts I have ever been so blessed to know ... I'm so lucky to know her and to call her my friend.

Anyway, I have made some more graphics but this isn't the post for them, for now I'll leave it there and update sometime in the future when I can hopefully focus better and my heart is once again in something .... Just anything other than being consumed right now with grief and loss.

Please take good care of yourselves, lots of love to you and thank you for calling by! 

This one's for you mum!

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Saturday Night Update πŸ’Ÿ

So..... I'm sat here in an almost dark room, it's very peaceful, my eldest son is out partying and my youngest is away for a week with a friend ... The only sounds are my little Eddie dog snoring beside me and the heating clicking on and off .... It's rather cold outside, quite damp actually and my candles are shedding a dancing glimmer of orange and yellow lights onto the wall in front of me ... My computer desk/area is actually under my stairs LOL, just call me Harry Potter as I spend most of my free down time here :) ... I've spent over a week now in possibly the worse flare up I can remember .... The pain has been unbearable, I feel like I have been punched all over, the emotional draining of just everything piling on top of me has seen me decline also .... Hence what I am about to say...........

Whether you make a conscious decision to try and understand the illnesses I have, or not, please step back, take a few moments and think about what you say to not only me, but to anyone with chronic illness and pain.  No I don't mean to go on about it, yes I know this will pass but here are some of the things I have actually had said to me while being poorly........

1) What happened to the really cool person you used to be?
2) Once again you couldn't do something and get it right for once
3) I don't care if you have sarcoidosis, it's not that bad
4) You're fucking useless
5) It's all your fault
6) You really need to get a better job
7) You make no effort
8) You shouldn't be taking those pills, the doctor is wrong
9) You should go to the gym
10) No one cares

Just  some of the things said to me recently .... Nice huh?  Look, I appreciate that not everyone will understand and I totally and completely understand how hard it must be for anyone healthy to understand someone like myself .... However, tearing a person to pieces while they're down is not helpful, it's counter productive and will not help them ultimately .... Now, I'm a tough fucker, but yeah, some of that is pretty nasty .... I know it's not true, however, it is clear that it is someone else's truth and their reality .... I've had some pretty nasty things said to me lately, at a time when I could do with some kindness from people who I thought were friends but I'm not so sure any more .... With things the way they are with my mum, my illness being a bit too comfortable and pulling me down, it would have been a lot nicer and more helpful if certain things had not been said to me, even if the person feels completely justified in their opinion of me ... It's not very nice for me being on the receiving end and I wonder if you would feel the same way I do, if the tables were turned and you were on the receiving end?

So ..... Have a think ..... Does it really need to be said? Do you want to tear that person down even more than they already are?  Would you like it?

Now .... On a far more positive note, here are some of the latest tags I've made ... I hope you enjoy them and thank you for calling by! Love always, Gina xoxoxoxoxoxo

Friday, 21 October 2016

Just A Quick Blog Before I Lay In Bed All Night Unable To Sleep Again Because Of Pain! πŸ€•

Just a very quick update, been transfixed to Jacob Israel's videos this evening and the time just flew by, I also found the original video I watched on YouTube some years ago now ... Very chilling stuff, which I thought I would post here .... 

I also feel compelled to add Jacob Israel's latest video to my blog too, yes I'm totally off the topic of sarcoidosis, but this is an interest of mine and I firmly believe we need to be opening our eyes, minds and hearts to unite as something is heading our way! This has been an interest of mine ever since I can remember, even as a child I believed there was always more ... So here it is .... His uploads are amazing and he is an awesome guy!

Both are worth watching ... I'm going to now try and sleep, I probably won't be able to as I still feel like a punchbag ... Really hoping the upped dose of Lyrica kicks in soon! 

Goodnight and take care all of you, thank you for calling by ... I do try to make this about more than sarcoidosis, I want to share in my methods of distraction from pain, my hobbies and interests and to hopefully portray that there's more to life and to you than just an illness, despite the battles we all face daily.

My love to you all always, Gina xoxoxoxoxoxo

Thursday, 20 October 2016

Mid Week Update..... πŸ€•

Yes, I'm still sick unfortunately .... I've been in so much pain since the weekend, no letting up either, however after a mix up with the doctor, I think my meds are back in order ... Was told Monday I'd be having my Lyrica increased and as my prescriptions are sent electronically to the Chemist of my choice, I arrived there to find no Lyrica :( .... It is sorted now, my Co Codamol isn't helping as effectively as it once used to ... The pain is constant, my head gets no relief at all and if you ask me where it hurts, it's easier and less time consuming to say where it doesn't hurt ... Even my clothes hurt me, it's daft .... I'm sorry for complaining, I know I could be miles worse off ... I appreciate everything I have and feel so lucky, just hoping for some relief and soon now the Lyrica mix up is sorted ... I have literally done nothing ... Only the bare minimum and I'm still in pain ... I've been trying to detract my mind by making tags, listening to an Audiobook on the app (Harry Potter And The Philosophers Stone - Read by Stephen Fry) It has helped ... I think anyone in chronic pain needs support, understanding and a distraction or hobby you can immerse yourself in completely ... It does help.  My distractions are making tags on Photoshop, gentle walks with my dog if I can manage it, Audiobooks, listening to relaxing music can help, something peaceful and gentle helps, I burn my Yankee candles, they help a lot too.  

I'm sat here hurting, it hurts to type ... I think it must be very difficult for a healthy, pain free person to understand .. I get that completely, it must be as you just cannot imagine the feeling like you've been literally punched everywhere and you cramp and stiffen up, the constant migraine, the desperate need for peace and quiet and no human contact (yes it does make you feel that way) the longing to be pain free so much ... Ok .. I will stop there as I prefer to focus on more positive events......

On a positive note, my sons are doing well, both make me so proud .... My eldest had his 21st recently, just can't believe where the time has gone ... My dog just makes me so happy too, he's my baby .... I love cuddling him at night, when I'm in pain I just snuggle into him, watch him sleep, kiss his ears and just watch the moonlight dancing and glimmering into my bedroom .. That in itself can be therapeutic ... Just need sleep LOL ... I'm exhausted right now ... I also love art ... Sometimes just immersing myself in art helps a lot too ... 

Ok, so here's my latest tag creations ... I'm enjoying making them, I am just so unsure on how I wish to animate them, so for now, they remain still LOL ... Enjoy them but please don't copy them or claim them as something you created, that's naughty and please don't remove any part inclusive of copyright, that's illegal so I did warn you :) However, please enjoy them, I like to think that people visiting like them .. I put a lot of time into making them and enjoy that time very much.

I hope you're all having the best week .... Thank you for calling by, love and hugs xoxoxoxoxo

Saturday, 15 October 2016

About Time I Updated..... πŸ˜‹

So............ Where have I been? ... Nowhere, just so busy and stressed out ... I'm ok but I'm just very tired, I split my head open a short time ago, it's fine though, nothing a little glue and some tenderness couldn't cure ... I also went for my hip X-Ray and the results should've been back by now and aren't so I need to phone my doctor Monday and they said they'll chase up the hospital ... I've been making graphics, made quite a few actually, but non animated ... Been so busy with my kids, dog and housework privately it's just been mental to be honest ... I don't feel well at all ... I'm always in pain somewhere and I'm rather stressed out with work right now too, not because it's the people I'm around but more so a few changes brought in which just cause all of us stress ... I'm not sure right now about these changes, I think we will adapt in time ... It's just trying to get used to it all ... My mum's health has also declined very much ... I'm expecting a phone call anytime telling me to get there as she's not expected to live ... It's very difficult watching the one person I do have left leaving me piece by piece ... When everyone else walked out she was the only one who stayed ... I've sailed many stormy seas and felt very alone at times at the helm but she's always been there to make sure I don't go overboard and drown ... No one else either knew or gave a shit ... I'm also learning who my true friends are once more and that's all I'm saying here about it ... The less time I devote to that, the better.

Sarcoidosis wise, I feel terrible ... This morning I woke with every part of me hurting like a bitch ... My head is killing me, my bones hurt so bad today ... My eyes are sore and a bit blurry ... I think I'm in a flare up also as my lymph nodes are the size of golf balls lol ... They hurt so much as well ... I think once I get moving I might hopefully feel a little bit better ... My faithful and very beautiful little dog, Eddie, is sat beside me though and filling my heart and soul with such joy ... Every time I look at him, I fall in love so much more .... He is the love of my life and a main reason I continue to breathe ... With all this said, I do hope you are all doing great ... I appreciate you calling in and reading up on me ... It's nice that you care, should you do so ... Also, my youngest son mentioned The Mandela Effect to me ... Well, it just blew my mind when I started to research .... I also found an incredible YouTube channel run by a terrific guy named Jacob Israel ... His videos are definitely worth watching ... You can find him HERE so go check him out ... He is incredible!!!! 

So ... Would you like to see some of my latest non animated tags? If so, then please scroll down .... I don't do tutorials, not because I don't want to, I just do stuff differently and mostly in Photoshop ... I can try and explain, should you have questions but please bear with me as to the answers as sometimes I get all muddly fudded up LOL ... But I will so try my best to help you ... Have a wonderful weekend ... Lots of love to you all, always XOXOXOXOXO  πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹

Ok ... So there you have it! I'm sorry if I've duplicated any uploads, I checked and I don't think I have but if I have then I'm sorry ... Also I feel compelled to mention this, it's not a pressing issue but I am wondering about anyone else out there who has had the same experience I have with someone going by the name of Ricky Bloodymoon? ... It's been mentioned to me by several people whose identities will remain private that she copies others ... I had this experience with her last year, she was dealt with appropriately after it was brought to my attention she had been copying me for several months ... She was very oddly behaved towards me, she unfriended me on Facebook and the other website, however, she didn't leave it there, she copied my stuff and foul mouthed me, lied and generally caused trouble ... If she has done or is doing this to you, my advice is don't stand for it ... Yes you'll be on the receiving end of her shit, I was for ages afterwards as she created fake accounts to stir up shit, but in the end you shouldn't have to stand for that crap .... I tried to be pleasant over it, she was just plain nasty ... You can only do and give so much before you just leave someone like that to it ... Just don't stand for it ... You shouldn't have to tolerate copying and plagiarism from anyone and if you know and can prove more than 100% this is happening to you, take action ... Be careful and be safe ... πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹ πŸ’‹

Saturday, 24 September 2016

Weekly Update + New Non Animated Tags πŸ˜€

Good morning ... It's Saturday morning here and I'm waiting for the painkillers to kick in before I start mass cleaning day :) ... Saturday is always cleaning day here ... I don't mind as I don't really socialize much away from work and family and close knit friends, of which there are very few ... I also have an update in terms of my health ... I found a lump in my lower groin, on my pelvic bone, it's tender but I'm not worried about it other than it does cause pain ... I have received an appointment for a hysteroscopy on the 3rd November at Hertford County Hospital so I will be attending as I've come to the end of my tether with my lady problems ... I am hoping this procedure will stop them entirely .... I also have a hip X-Ray appointment next week and I can just go along whenever I can, it's like a walk in clinic where you hand the form in and just have the X-Ray done ... Pretty good method actually as you're not tied to any specific time ... It's like a blood test, you just go along when you can ... I have a feeling they might tell me it's the sarcoidosis causing this problem ... The pain first started in the lymph node area of my groin but now has spread ... I don't like to think on it too much as whatever it is I'm sure will be sorted out ... It's affecting my walking quite a bit now, I walk with a limp most of the time, my right leg is pained throughout because of this, I can never get comfortable either, I'm literally always in pain in my right side and leg now ... I'm on stronger painkillers and now taking ferrous sulphate for the anaemia ... 

Work wise, well, it has been quite a week ... My lovely boss has attended training to use our new Cypads, we are all new to this and it's very interesting learning how to use it, but it's also a brain strain too as we are all so new to it .. Training has been given and my boss has taken in a lot of information and not giving herself enough credit for how well she's learned so much of it in such a short space of time so all credit to her ... I've not taken too many clangs either this week but I do get annoyed when that happens or when the other lady in the kitchen I work with gestures to me like I'm a dog ... I think I might have to have a polite word about it ... Try and explain what it's like on the receiving end of such a gesture, without being unkind or rude .. Just need to pick my words carefully as I don't want to upset anyone .. I really do love my job and working there ... I feel so blessed in many ways as I know a lot of people dislike their jobs for one reason or another, I am also so lucky to be able to make it to work, I do fight this disease every day ..All sarcoidosis warriors do, but some are so poorly with it, they simply are unable to do the things they once could and it's so sad ... I count my blessing every single day and yes, sometimes I do forget how lucky I actually am ... My mindset alters at times and it's not a positive thing so I try and do stuff to keep me in a good place mentally ...

Ok speaking of being in a good place mentally, I have been a busy bee making some non animated tags for Facebook ... I've left them non animated as now, for some reason, when I post an animated tag to Facebook the colours depreciate so much, it just looks so awful and detracts from the real beauty of the creation  .... I will post them below now and also wish you all a very peaceful and positive, wonderful weekend ... All my love to you all and thank you for calling by and reading my blog!

Sunday, 18 September 2016

Very Busy Week With Lots Of Ouch And Ooooh πŸ˜‚

Oh my, what a week!! I kept saying all week, I'll blog today if I get time, yep ... I didn't get time LOL ... It's been completely mental ... Monday was a tough day for personal reasons, however I definitely believe and feel a positive outcome was achieved ... I am glad I have closure on a particular issue that has been plaguing my family for a while ... It's over and behind us thankfully and we can now move on .... Tuesday saw me taking a clonk in the kitchen I work in ... I won't go into the matter too much on here, suffice to say I do wish someone wasn't in such a hurry all the time as when they are, their actions result in injury, usually mine! I banged my head on the dishwasher, I'm talking a proper industrial dishwasher which is huge with a large metal handle ... I wasn't impressed ... I had to quickly move out the way to avoid a collision with this staff member and in doing so it resulted in me smacking my head ... It is not the way to behave at work .. It's not the first time I've taken an injury because of this person, it shouldn't happen ... Period! 

Now I've had my grumble let's move on to Wednesday which was B12 injection day ... I hate to be negative here, I am convinced the B12 does help but I never feel the benefit like that energy boost many speak about ... Nope, doesn't happen for me .. My last B12 count even with regular 3 monthly injections was only considered to be mid range and anyone who knows anything at all about B12 will know the serum test shows inactive B12 as well which is useless ... My actual B12 level therefore is much lower and I feel like I am teetering on the borderline of deficient once more ... Keeping in mind I have pernicious anaemia, I am terrified of getting sick like I was before I was eventually diagnosed ... Thursday I went to visit mum ... She's not improving at all ... It's so sad seeing her like this ... I really do need my mum ... I've never needed anyone like I need her ... I don't want to lose the one person who I am so close to even if I don't see her as much as I would like to ... She has no clue how poorly I am as I know she would worry and hiding it from her is very hard as she notices everything ... I can't walk properly any more as my right hip is now in so much pain, even with 3, 15/500 Co Codamol which I'm sure isn't wise to take so I do NOT advocate that or encourage anyone to do that!! DON'T! My blood test results are also abnormal ... I was expecting that though .... Friday is our busiest day at work ... It flew by ... Plus the weather had cooled down by then thankfully ... It has been a mostly humid week here, very hot temperatures for the time of year and way too hot to be working in a kitchen! ... But we got through it like we always do ... My favourite times in the week are definitely walking my little dog ... He and I must walk miles each week ... I find it so peaceful and calming and spending time with my little sweetheart is so fulfilling ... He really is the light of my life .. I'm sure I've mentioned that before, but he totally is LOL ... I absolutely adore him.

Tag wise I've been making some non animated ones for a change ... I haven't been on my Glitter Graphics account in a while so I would love to be able to take some time out to spend on there again soon ... I do find tag making so relaxing, I get lost in time pretty much as it flies by when I'm buried in Photoshop ... I still make animated ones, just haven't felt like doing so of late ... 

Anyway I will leave you with a few of my latest ones below and wish you a fantastic week ahead ... I do hope all is good with you, things here are ticking along ok at the moment, I hope they continue to do so as well ... I don't have much to report sarcoidosis wise, other than it's still there LOL ... I do wonder if my lungs are becoming more affected as I have noticed that very occasionally, when I laugh or I'm out of breath I feel crackles in my lungs ... But only very occasionally ... I just wish I knew what exactly is causing such awful pain in my right side, it's definitely progressively getting worse ... Anyway, here's a few of my latest tags ... Have a great week and thank you for calling by!

Sunday, 11 September 2016

Got Lots Going On

Just a very quick update to first off, show off a new header I made :) ... Also to say I'm now back at work and life has become extremely busy once more ... I'm having more health issues, this time, very quickly and in a nutshell, I have to have an urgent referral to a Haematologist as my doctor suspects I might have a possible blood disorder ... It would explain some symptoms I've been having for a while but let's just wait and see on that score ... I will have my blood test results back in the week so hopefully I will know a bit more then either way ... I'm happy to be back at work, can't say as I relish the early mornings especially with being in this pain but it's one of them things ... I want to work for as long as I can ... I'm also very worried about my mum, she's not improving and it is such a worry ... I know she's 83 but I guess I look upon her as the invincible one ... I forget how vulnerable she is sometimes as she's always been there for me, held me up especially when Dave died .... Anyway I'm not going too much in depth now as it is late on Sunday night here and I have to be up bright and early ... I will hopefully have time to catch up later on in the week ... In the meantime thank you for calling by, please take good care of yourselves and have a wonderful start to your week ... Lots of love and hugs!

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Much Better Day And Feeling Much Better ☀

Ok so after posting a couple of blogs where I wasn't in a good place, I'm now feeling a lot better .... I think part of it is I allow the illnesses I have to overwhelm me, I become very low in mood, it is a struggle to fight through pain and stress all the time, but yesterday I did something for me ... No one else, just me ... I took a selfish attitude on board and decided it is "me" day ... So ..... I had a long hot bath, washed my hair, then I decided to pamper myself and apply a fake tan ... I'd read about this one on Amazon and also done some research as to which one is a decent one to purchase, compared spray tan costs etc ....... It's an Art Naturals product and very easy to apply with the mitt .. There's no mess and it goes on beautifully, there's no stench of a thousand farts like some have and oh those 80's fake tans LOL .... So I applied, wore loose clothing after 10 minutes, went shopping to the supermarket and walked my dog, Eddie .... I checked my appearance last night and had a gorgeous glow ... I also after a number of hours, probably around 6, noticed that awful fake tan smell was rearing it's head ... However, if you apply this product the night before, then really it shouldn't be an issue as you'll be showering the next morning anyway before you start your day .... I'm not really into fake tans but this one definitely tops the bill as the best one I have ever applied ... I have one tiny streak on my right leg ... Other than that I look like I've had a nice break from it all in Australia LOL ... No oompa Loompa orange either ... Just a lovely, healthy glow .... After all the stress of this holiday, yesterday was much needed .... I also am still having to accept that I am wild at heart, I will always hold this feeling of wanting to be free, I find myself so much happier walking my dog, outside, in the fields, the woods, anywhere where nature is rich in abundance ... I also love the beach ... I've always been a more outdoors type of person ... That's never changed .. However, I am more recluse than I ever was before 2005 .... 

Today I am having wrist tattoos as well, I am so looking forward to seeing Michael Rose ... He did my lower back tattoo many years ago ... I haven't seen him since but I know from just reading up on him, he has an incredible reputation ... I'm so looking forward to it ... I met his wife and was chatting with her on and off for most of the day when my son had his upper arm done .... She's gorgeous and such a lovely lady.

On that note, I need to sign off and have my bath and get ready ... I hope you all have a wonderful day today and that life is kind to you ... Lots of love and hugs xxxxxx

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

2 Blogs In 1 Day πŸ˜†

I was planning on blogging earlier but life wasn't about to play nice after all LOL .. Today started off reasonably ok, the usual aches and pains ... I've been a bit under the weather and put it down to the sore throat, cold and cough ... Blah ... Anyway, I decided to have another quiet day, thought I would get some more bits done this afternoon but it just didn't happen ... Yet again I'm having stomach problems and it really is getting me down so much now ... I know I could be way worse off than I am and I don't mean to complain but please, just please can I have one day where I wake up feeling ok? ... I feel awful for complaining as I know with all my heart and soul I could be way worse off than I am .... I think I'm just so tired of everything ... I have actually had very brief moments this summer, of actually wishing I wasn't here any more ... I've not had anything like this since around 2011/2012 ... Everything is such a struggle, everywhere I turn the onus falls on me to sort shit out and I'm tired of having to do that when I'm not operating at maximum capacity and output ... I am quiet with friends, people I'm close with and with family ... This isn't like me ... Everything is way too much ... I have no doubt that I'll snap out of it ... I'm sure I will ... I just hope it's soon .... 

It's hard to explain how chronic pain and illness affects you, especially to a person who doesn't experience this ... I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wouldn't wish any illness on anyone ... I was too sick to walk Eddie today so my youngest helped .... For me to be too poorly to walk him means I am really unwell as I walk him with all sorts wrong with me ... I thought the break from work would give me time to recharge and feel better, instead it's pelted fucking stress at me like being hit every single time by a fucking giant flying buffalo ... 

I don't know what the answer is ..... I just want the fuck out as this is so not what I signed up for! ... God I sound so ungrateful .. I know I do ... I will look back at this and feel so ashamed ... I should be too as I appreciate how precious life is .... Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and precious in every way .... But, I've come to the conclusion that I'm taking on way too much ... Yes I choose to be a one person operation, no not through complete choice, but no one chooses to be widowed ... I certainly didn't ... I also didn't ask for the shit storm after Dave died .... I'm not bitter either, I hate being in pain ... Yes that is one thing I do hate but hating people, whether they're dickheads or not, is a total waste of time and energy ... 

So yes, dear whatever force of good you are out there, I've had enough ... Please help lighten my load and stop this I'm carrying a double decker bus on my shoulders feeling and yes, one day without pain would be so nice ... I'll probably think I've died and gone to heaven .... Please don't make me have to deal with shit heads any more either ... Haven't I known enough?

Oh yes, one last thing ... I want to move away from here .... I don't mean to be ungrateful for being where I am, it's lovely, but something is making me feel like it's time to go .... Like it's saying it'll be better if I do .... I just don't know where ... First time I ever had this feeling ... Like I should go but without any sense of direction as to where .... I know one thing, if I do then I ideally would like to be near a beach .... A nice beach, not some shitty place ... (Fussy bitch LOL)

So yeah, I'm very unsettled, in a lot of pain ... I can't settle in my chair tonight as it hurts so fucking much ... I don't want to be angry about it but I know I am coming across that way because I am angry .... 

It feels like my soul doesn't belong in this body ... Yep weirdo alert lol ... That's what it feels like ... I want to be running pain free through a meadow, the hot sun shining down on me ... With my Eddie baby dog beside me, no bodily restrictions, no mental torture, no feelings of abandonment haunting me any more ... I want someone I love there waiting to greet me .... I want to sit out at night looking up at the moon and stars,  I want my dad, my Harry dad I mean ... I want Dave, I should just shut up, I know ......

I am very appreciative of what I have .... I'm too restricted though body wise ... I feel imprisoned in a pain jail ... You can feel like there's a way out thanks to strong pain killers but it's all a lie ... You're still there when it all wears off ... Sure you can try and forget it all like I do, you can distract yourself with a hobby or a small job but that physical pain is always there .... You can try not to focus on it, you have to try so you can even live just a little ... It'll give you great moments and help you to make some amazing memories .... That's what you have to hold on to while living, that's what I tell myself every single day .... Because I have no choice, doesn't matter what I want, I have to rise above that and be grateful for what I have ... I have 2 beautiful kids and a beautiful dog ... An amazing and beautiful sister with Maria and yes I do have a handful of people who are worth everything to me .... But my soul wants out at times ... I don't even know if I'm making sense ... I look around and there's so much beauty in life, so much beauty on this planet, so much that makes me feel so disconnected to most people I know ... I couldn't have this conversation with 99% of the people I know as they'd swear blind I'm crazy LOL ... They'd probably think I took a few too many painkillers LOL ... So on that note I think it's time for bed ... Hopefully I'll settle and feel suitably horrible in the morning for posting this entry ... It's a mindset I'm in and yes I will snap out of it ... Bottom line is I don't feel like my inner being belongs here ... I want to move on ..... I just have no idea where that is ..... Don't worry either, I'm not about to do anything irrational .... It's a craving, a need I guess .... Goodnight, sleep well and look after yourselves .... Thank you for reading, I know I've complained, I know it's wrong ... I'm just being me though ... This is who I am right now in this moment .... Sweet dreams all xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Some New Graphics And A Catch Up ☕

Good morning, it's been ages since I last blogged so here I am again! I've been making some new graphics which I'll post at the end of this, in the meantime, well ... It's been a very stressful break from work ... My eldest son has been really poorly and so has my mum ... The pair of them combined, have sent me into almost a state of complete meltdown lol ... Not their fault at all, I know that, I just need a break on this break :) ... Anyway, I think mum now knows I'm sick, not because of the sarcoidosis ... Oh no, she truly doesn't, in a sense, give a shit about that ... I don't think it's because she doesn't care as such, she just doesn't get it ... If she had a diagnosis herself then it'd be different ... No one around me understands it, I piss them all off at various points because they can't be arsed to try and understand it, or they throw the 'oh well, I get pain too' shit back at me and make out they're some kind of superhero for managing despite ... I'm sick of these attitudes so as a result I won't be making an effort for or with these people in future ... Either accept me and the fact I have this, or walk away .... Sorry, this wasn't set out to be a rant ... I also have a cold, sore throat and cough and that's why mum has backed off .... Now. of course I'd never treat mum like that .. She just doesn't understand and she is old bless her ... But someone who isn't close or family can swivel on my mid digit and cry .... 

I was supposed to be having a catch up with my girls over coffee earlier in the month, I let them down because of this illness, they were absolutely fine about it, so ladies, it's not aimed at you either ... Just in case you pop by and have a read ... I know we can hopefully catch up at some point ... I know you are both fine about it too which is lovely of you and I appreciate it ....

I was also supposed to be looking after Eddie's brother Gonzo, I let my friends down at the last minute, that was the shittiest thing on my part, I felt terrible about it especially as they were so kind in offering to help, my kids were being really difficult as well  and a situation arose which I don't want to mention publicly but will discuss with them in private .. I do need to speak to my friends about that and I'm sure they were upset but they're not the types of people to be unkind ... So yes, I do owe them an explanation and some coffee ... So no, this isn't aimed at them and I'm glad they did find someone to take care of him as he is a beautiful boy and wonderful company........

My sister Maria, now .... She's the best person and sister ever ... Everyone should have someone like her in their lives ... If they don't then they're going to be very alone ... Even in my darker years, I knew she was there ... The thing was , because of the way things were, I stopped communicating with the outside world ... My kids, Maria and an altered mindset thanks to Maria and mum were reasons why I began to feel like I was worth something again ... It took a very long time ...... So, my point now is ..... You either accept I have this sarcoidosis and all that goes with it, you accept I also have endometriosis and all that pain and discomfort too, you accept I have depression and anxiety, you accept I have fibromyalgia caused by sarcoidosis, you accept all of that and me as me or you can get out my life ... I truly don't want you in my life unless you can just accept me the way I am ... I'm not unreliable ... My illnessses, however, are .... 2 haemorrhages over the summer break, a sarcoidosis episode inclusive of Bell's Palsy and pain throughout my entire body, I would love to see you being all yippidy dippidy with that lot!

So, if you were one of those who couldn't be bothered to understand then kindly remove yourself from my life ... Find someone who fits the criteria for the perfect human to be your friend and whatever else I suppose....

Ok now that's a load off LOL ... So I seem to have spent my summer break stressed and sick pretty much ... However, not to outweigh the good times as I have had some beautiful moments this August .... Eddie ... Oh yes, the light of my life ... The walks we have been on, he knows when I'm sick, he never pulls on the lead while we walk to the fields, he stays close to me, unless he goes into mental bunny chase mode LOL ... Then he's just cuter than cute :) .... I have some beautiful videos and photo's from this summer ... So there were good times, I did however have a breakdown, just so much pain and inside too, I dropped to my knees and cried and cried and cried ... It was late and thankfully no one was around, just Eddie and me, he sat beside me, looked at me very worried, didn't move from my side for the rest of the evening and night ... It wasn't all bad and crappy health stuff, but just in that moment, I didn't want to be here any more........

So, I'm back at work later this week .... Wow, it went so quick .... Also, I'm having wrist tattoos done in a few days ... Been promising them to myself for years and just threw caution to the wind and in a mad moment, booked them ... Besides I know these guys are the best ... My son has a beautiful sleeve in progress ... My lower back tattoo was done by the guy I'm going to ... He has a glowing reputation internationally ... So I know I'm in the best hands there ... I'm really excited about it ... Can't wait! :)

Ok so about those graphics I made LOL ... Here they are, please don't try and alter them in any way or remove the copyright, that's just illegal ... Please don't claim them as your own or copy them as that's just plain wrong .... On that note, enjoy!

Those are some Autumn ones I've made, more to come next time!

Sunday, 21 August 2016

A Lot Going On And Straight From The Heart....... πŸ™

Yep, a lot has been going on recently .... I truly don't know where to start but I guess the beginning is a good place to try and explain from ... After all the hassle and aggravation with trying to get a new computer, I hoped that would be it and I could start to unwind and enjoy the summer break, but life decided it had other plans for me ..... My eldest son has been sick for weeks and weeks but is back in work now even though he is still unwell .... It's been exhausting and my mum, sadly, has been playing us up ... I never thought I would ever come clean about this ... I've always kept it so quiet and away from places like online social media outlets but I really do not know how much more I can take from this situation and her .... Yes I understand she's old and rather unwell and disabled, but for some reason she is being very rude and spiteful to and about everyone around her who are trying to help and support her .... It reminds me of being a child again and in turn it's throwing back the unhappier memories from my childhood where I sometimes had nowhere to turn to escape bullying as it happened at school and in the home .... An abusive childhood is something I have never really opened up about to anyone ... I've never been able to speak about things that happened and were said and done to me all those years ago ... But now more and more of my loved ones are seeing the reality and I feel such a heavy hearted sadness over it .... I never wanted this for my mum ... As much as she was and is a good mum, I know her and I know this part of her exists as I lived it for 18 years before I left home to start again and try and rebuild with my then boyfriend, who later became my husband ... The only years of my life that were free of abuse were when he was around and alive .... Everyone now sees this side of my mum which I felt I was the only one who saw and I don't know if I am even happy about it ... I don't feel overjoyed at all ... In fact it makes me feel sick to the stomach in all honesty that they see the person who only ever showed that side of themselves to me and possibly my older brother back then .... It's kicking off my anxiety big time ... I've had bouts of it whereby I don't really speak much, I struggle to leave the house even to walk my precious dog ... I am literally petrified all the time, I shake, I spend my time tucked away in bed, I make graphics to try and distract my mind from bad memories, the shouting, the physical harm, the lies .... It's not the only part of my life where I was abused ... It has happened in more recent times but I am not prepared or ready to open up ... I will let life run its course on that score .... Even typing this I've started shaking with fear ... I've always been so afraid of what people will say and how they'll react to something like this coming from me .... I don't want to go back there ... Not ever ... It all really became clear to other people when she started having a home carer, the carers didn't want to go to her as she was abusive to them, told them they were useless, told lies about them etc .... Then one carer came along, we found a lovely lady, the sweetest little soul you could ever wish to meet who genuinely had my mums and our best interests at heart, she kept my mums home spotless, mum was spotlessly clean, well fed, always presentable and even had a lovely new hair cut ... She took mum to Mass, did literally everything for her with a kind and loving heart ... My mum in turn repaid her with abuse, told lies about me and my sis and bro and passed nasty remarks and used foul language aimed at her also .... It made her carer poorly eventually and she just couldn't do it any more ... We lost a wonderful carer and because of this the drama and the hassle and lies began again, first off with a phone call waking me yesterday morning by Colindale police ... Social Services then became involved and made the problem worse ... Now everyone is lying to me apart from my sis and bro ... I simply cannot deal with this shit and why should anyone else be expected to? ... Plus with the illnesses I have, I simply couldn't physically do the things that meet the criteria to care for an elderly person who struggles to walk and has lost the ability to know when they need the toilet ... I don't have the strong stomach for it and the last time I looked after mum it didn't end well .... She abused me, she hit me too (ok it wasn't a good old beating as she's old but she raised her hand to me) then obviously I was to blame, I warned her time and time again I take ages to get ready because I am in a lot of pain all the time, I can't perform any task quickly and people around me do need a great deal of patience ... I take ages to do anything from graphics making to getting ready in the bathroom to housework ... So, I was too slow, I got on her nerves and took too long to do anything and my level of care wasn't good enough according to her, she's basically done the same thing to the last carer who was fantastic, that she's done to me throughout my life ... Made up her side, relayed that to everyone else and the truth remained the smallest grain of salt, there but not for those who don't see it for what it is .... Ugh, I am sorry, this post isn't supposed to be one of those sympathy seeking campaigns ... I'm just trying to get it out my system in a way that I don't have to open my mouth and speak, please don't feel sorry for me ... Hell no, it's not like that ... It is a clarification of why I feel the way I feel and have been feeling throughout my life on and off .... It may even be a strong reason why I am the way I am now .... I'm highly sensitive ... I notice a lot that others don't unless they're like me, I am drawn to artistic souls, deep souls, those who I feel I make an instant connection with and who I just know are on the same page as myself ... Art helps me so much ... Poetry, writing .... Yes I come across as a real bitch ... I know I do, but that is my protection, to stop people I am uncomfortable with getting too close ... I shut them out and I am very standoffish and snotty .... For the record, I can't stand being anywhere near men too .... Men actually make my skin crawl ... I dislike them touching me, hugging me, I cannot ever be alone with a man or I will freeze up completely in fear .... You can draw your own conclusion from that ... I have broken off potential relationships because I just don't want the closeness and intimacy, the thought of it makes me feel sick actually ... That's another reason why a relationship is out of the question .... I'm terrified of male contact ... It makes my skin crawl, my stomach turn and my whole body freeze completely ... First time I have openly admitted this too .... I've always said it's just because I'm happy as I am and yes I am, but that is a huge part why also .... When a guy takes my hand I can't stand it ... I'm always suspicious and waiting for them to hurt me and then they do .... Just don't come near me or get ideas .... It goes a lot deeper than me just wanting to be as I am, sarcoidosis and chronic illness wise as well .... Respect that and me .... Thank you and thank you for reading this blog ... I kind of feel better about opening up, but I still feel such sadness .... My past is knocking on the door, I just hope it doesn't decide to break the door down ... I'm not ready .............................

Friday, 12 August 2016

My Bucket List πŸ€”

Ok, so I haven't blogged in like, forever, for a few reasons ... First I had no computer for weeks ... My old computer, which wasn't overly old to be honest, I bought it in late 2012, went kaput ... The power supply unit needs replacing ... I made a decision to order a new power supply unit for it and pay for someone to replace it for me so I could keep my old machine ... BIG mistake ... First off I phoned a company called PC Callout Ltd ... They're online as PC ... So, I phone and speak to a very nice lady who sends a computer engineer out that same day to me ... Very impressed, although when he got here there was nothing he could do, other than order the power supply unit ... He handed all the details over to the ladies in the office, all of whom, assure me the unit will be delivered by courier the next working day ... As it was Friday I waited til Monday and by the afternoon had heard nothing from them, so I gave them a call .... Was told the unit was ordered and to wait to hear from the engineer ... So I waited ..... And I waited some more.  By Wednesday I was getting rather pissed off as in between waiting I had called the office and been promised 3-4 call backs by then and none had bothered to respond ... I was then told the part wasn't available when I phoned back rather cross .... So then I asked for a refund ... That took this company a week of broken promises of call backs and my money to be returned to me .... All this on top of haemorrhaging and being in absolute agony and my eldest son being poorly as well ... Not a great start to the school holiday ... Anyway by the Friday of last week I was ripping my hair out with it all, my money was eventually refunded and I went with my gut instinct and purchased a new computer and accessories to go, all with a year's warranty for less than what I'd have paid to have my old machine fixed .... I'm almost up and running again, still have a lot of loading on to do, but fingers crossed, I'm getting there now ... I'm haemorrhaging again so have to take it easy, I've got to pick up my prescription from the Chemist later on ... So, in the meantime I'm having toast, coffee and cuddles with my Eddie baby dog and thought, why not finish my bucket list? My friend for many years, Lorraine, said I made a good start, I haven't seen Lorraine since I was a teenager, but we got back in contact recently thanks to a very dear friend of my late husband finding me on Facebook ... It's lovely being back in touch after so many years ... One of the very best things about Facebook is when you are back in touch with old friends. 

So, my bucket list began with this:-

1) Swim with non captive dolphins
2) Watch the sunrise on a beach in the summer
3) Visit my friends scattered across the globe from Wales to New Zealand
4) Make peace with those who hurt me, doesn't mean I have to see them, but for me, just to allow myself to let them and what they did go, I think I have done that but just in case I've missed anyone out ;)
5) Own some Keith Garvey art for my home, some door skins and hopefully some art work on my walls too 
6) Have my kids name's tattooed on my wrists, yes I'm having this done in a few weeks by Michael Rose (look him up, he's amazing!) I picked a beautiful design in purple, sky blue and black so I'm very much looking forward to this as I've been promising for years to have this done and now I'm just going for it.
7) Eat cake ... Come on, there's always room for cake :)
8) Find better methods of pain management ... This is something I think, can help if you can somehow train your mind to believe it's not there or isn't as awful? Yeah I mean, strong pain killers do the trick for now, but what am I going to do when I've pretty much worked my way through the codeine bunch and am left with not much choice? The thought of opiods isn't appealing at all ... I need to do something before I get that far and in all reality, I know the sarcoidosis is just going to continue to deteriorate me within ... My nodes are so enlarged now they squeeze my throat, they trap nerves and press on organs causing more pain .... My bones and joints are deteriorating, my organs aren't functioning as well as they should, my eyesight is deteriorating through middle age and sarcoidosis, I don't have much time left in terms of quality of life .... I need to make the most of now as tomorrow, I just don't know if it'll be possible the way things are going
9) This is something I want to see - The truth coming out, enough said
10) Find a way so my Eddie baby dog will be young and live forever with me, this is odd to some but makes perfect sense to me, when I die, I want my Eddie to rest with me ... He will be on sacred ground, I want his name with mine and something I wrote for him, so everyone knows the joy he brought me in life, he came along when I needed him and he's my very best friend.  

There, all done :) ... Have a wonderful Friday and thank you for calling by xoxoxo

Sunday, 24 July 2016

Holidays At Last!! πŸ‘™

FINALLY!!!! I can kick back and have a much needed rest .... It's been forever since I last blogged so I'm thrilled about having the time and energy to blog again ... I have literally been exhausted, had very little to no time and when I have had any spare time, I've spent it asleep ... Seriously ... I have been working, walking my baby dog and sleeping ... Oh and housework too, I deep cleaned in my kitchen yesterday but it's hard to work in this heat ... For some reason this part of England has been having ridiculously high temperatures which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the awful humidity that accompanies these soaring temperatures ... Everyone's complaining and I must admit, while I love the summer, I dislike working in such humidity especially in a kitchen .... We had our uniforms changed recently too and the new one's are much heavier, which will be great in the winter as they'll be warmer, but in the summer they are a pain and too thick to be comfortable in ... 

Online life has been quieter stalker wise LOL ... Well it was for a while and I noticed it has picked up again on Facebook and on GG ... Oh well, whatever tickles your pickle I guess!

I am working on a new tag at last too!! I do take forever to make them, I'm not very quick with them as I like to faff about and have them "just so" ... I've been downloading some latest releases from the amazing and phenomenal Keith Garvey ... You can find his website HERE or you can click the tab in the bar at the top of my blog page ... This guy is an absolute genius ... His art is just beautiful ... Also been hunting around for some scrap kits to add to my collection and I'm looking to build my own website so I can sell my own scrap kits and also so my friend, Lorraine, can sell her beautiful art too online ... I'm hoping to have it all sussed and up and running as soon as possible ... 

Sarcoidosis wise, well it is what it is ... I'm no better or worse at the moment ... I just am ... I'm so tired of one hospital appointment after the other, it's all too much so I'm taking a break from the lunacy of attending appointment after appointment after appointment ... I need a break and I will leave the care to my doctor for now ... I can't stand all the hospital appointments one after the other kind of thing ... It's exhausting in the end ... There's times I get tired of speaking about it too, kind of weird as I'm all for awareness ... Think it might be a little bit feeling disheartened as I hear so much of death from this disease that I'm sort of tired of the whole thing ... I know parts of me are crapping out ... I'm not altogether sure right now that I care .... What will be will be ... It's very difficult to try and live with this illness, as I'm sure it is to live with any misunderstood and/or chronic illness ... There's times I just detach myself from it all and maybe it's a way of coping within that moment, but I just want to feel like there's more to life than sickness and death .... I try and do my best as do we all ... I just need to distract and detach ... I'm tired of sarcoidosis, I'm tired of death through sarcoidosis, I'm tired of lives destroyed through sarcoidosis ... If only people knew more about the disease and would understand that people who have and deal with sarcoidosis daily are incredible ... They don't get recognition for how much harder they work to try and live a sort of normal life, they are just assumed to be a little under the weather, when in reality all of us with this illness are really poorly ... We just choose not to give up! 

Have a lovely Sunday all of you and thank you for calling by!

Saturday, 9 July 2016

You Ever Have One Of Those Weeks? LOL

I've not blogged at all this past week as it was such a busy one, everywhere I turned there was someone wanting to give me shit LOL ... It's fine though, the only place I got a respite from it was work ... I sign into Facebook of an evening and when I can pop on during the day and it never fails to deliver it's fair share of shit LOL ... It's not Facebook, it's some of the people I've connected with unfortunately ... One of them is mental and mad as a Hatter and will not stop lying and trolling my profile even though she's blocked ... She just uses a fake profile to spy on me, then have a meltdown at what I've posted ... Stupid woman has nothing better to do with her life clearly LOL ... Thing is, she lied to so many of us, faked her identity, pretended she was being bullied and victimized and even faked the death of both her parents ... Yep ... Fucking nutcase ... She wants to be friends one minute, then when you politely and very wisely refuse she reverts quickly back into the bitter and nasty creature she truly is and has a post maniacal meltdown!! It's laughable hence all the LOL's 

Shit number 2 - Oh good grief, really!! Someone I decided I didn't want to be with after the unacceptable way they treated me decided to launch into a sly attack on me in a group we are both members of on Facebook ... I posted quite a lot about the E.U Referendum so their sly arsed and very bitchy response was to state some shit about migraines then how they don't post political crap and are on Facebook for fun and friends LOL ... Really? In a sarcoidosis group? ... TWAT!! ... If you really wanted to have a bitch at me, then you could have done so on your page or even more mature would be to speak TO ME!! - BLOCKED!!

My message to you fuckers is this ... GROW THE FUCK UP! ... This isn't some kindergarten and I'm not Arnold Schwarzenegger .... Have the maturity and decency to see what you have done, yeah I'm not perfect and neither are you! But I'm pretty open with life and I have been honest with you both ... Now you can seriously fuck off!!  Fuck you both and feel free to take the horse you rode in on with you!

On a happier note, thank you to someone very dear and who means more to me than they know for the beautiful flowers and for the cards .... I can't remember the last time someone has been so demonstratively kind to me, you really brightened up my week which was very difficult on the whole ... I will make sure you read this at some point :) 

Also I managed to catch up with someone I truly adore ... We spent hours chatting and it was wonderful ... I sort of felt like no time had passed at all ... It was like it was the next day kind of thing ... :) 

Also and while I'm on the subject of connecting with people ... I had a massive rethink as I connected with some old friends over the past few weeks or so .... It's horrible holding grudges ... No one in their right mind wants to harbour ill feelings, I certainly don't ... I appreciate there's only so far we can go to forgive someone, I'm just so glad to have my friends back ... So yeah, I blocked 2 for ill treatment of me from one and the complete lunacy from another, that right now isn't something I can forgive .... But so many years have passed, my dear friend and sis took so much shit online years ago and she never deserved any of it ... I feel so bad about all of it ... My other friend is going through stuff, personal so I'm not repeating ... But seeing her after all this time, it helps you understand that life is so short and so precious ... Why can't we all just be nice to each other and get along? ... Too much time goes by wasted and it's sad ... 

Hence my point ... You people who bitch and dig and make sly comments and lie .... You're pathetic ... You obviously have something to hide so you lash out and make it someone else's fault for what happened .... Just remember that life is short, you want to go through it hurting others then don't expect a huge send off at your funeral ... Don't expect anyone to take your shit ... Don't expect your idiocy to get you anywhere and do not treat others the way you treated me ... That's my parting gift to you shit heads .... I have a life to live and I sure as hell am not going to allow you or anyone else the pleasure of spoiling it with poisonous bullshit .... I stood up to you, you didn't like it ... Boohoo waa waa fuck off!

Sunday, 3 July 2016

New Tag - Happy 4th July! πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡Έ

Ok, so my Saturday was ok I guess in the end ... I'm still rather low in mood but I managed to clean everywhere I wanted and to also get some relaxation time too ... While having a rest I made a new tag, I'd lost my MoJo these past few weeks and although was very drawn to my latest purchases, just felt too exhausted to put anything together ... I know I wouldn't have made it through my Saturday even half as well without the support of a very dear friend ... Sometimes it's very hard to hear that no matter how hard you try, how much you give, how much you do despite ill health, it's never good enough ... My only defense is that I try my best ... I know it's not good enough but I do try ... Anyhow ... Enough of that ... Back to the tag I made, I used the absolutely outstanding art work of Keith Garvey ... You will find the link to his website in the bar at the top of the page ... If not and if you don't feel like scrolling up then simply click HERE!! .... I hope you're all enjoying your weekend and to my American friends who take the time to call by, I wish you all a very Happy 4th July ... Sending you lots of love and best wishes ... I'm off to bed as it's very late here, hugs and loves to you all, thank you to everyone who calls by and who takes the time to read my blog entries, I do appreciate that so much ... Goodnight and sweet dreams xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Saturday, 2 July 2016

Saturday So Far..........

I woke in pain and I'm sorry for being so graphic, I've been bleeding for about 3 weeks now and I didn't have the common sense to realize that it could be playing it's part as to why I am so physically and mentally whomped out too ... I think I'm so used to it, I've just plodded along and accepted it but I know it's not right ... I also know it's not a cervical cancerous cause which is a relief to be honest ... However, it is draining me and I do need some help ... Guess it's a trip to the doctor next week then .... 

My mood is low at this moment, I have to clean the house and I will do it, I just feel so wiped out all the time ... I'll blog more a bit later, this one is purely so I can just let it out in the moment kind of thing ... I feel very sad at the moment for lots of reasons, human beings are so cruel as a whole .... They will be the reason why this planet is destroyed ... It's in their nature to just destroy, no matter how good they have it, it's never enough ... No matter how good a person may be and how hard they try, it'll never be enough for ungrateful human beings who have it all and don't appreciate it .... What exactly do I mean by having it all?  Having it all is having good health, being loved, stability in the home, enough food, warmth and everything you need ... It might not be everything you want, but at least you have what you need ... Some people have none of these things ...... I'll leave that with you.

Bye for now xoxoxo

Thursday, 30 June 2016

Long Week ⁉

OMG what a week so far and no, not in a bad way for the most part!! It has been nothing short of totally mental :) ... I've never known me to have as little free time as I've had this week .... But it's not all bad, although today I have felt very sad since I visited mum in hospital ... My sweet little mummy looked so frail and poorly earlier .... Anyone who knows my mum will know how strong, amazing and plucky she is, she's got the courage of a pride of lions and a real old school and very comical personality as well ... She's certainly a character and I love her with every part of my soul ... Seeing her today was heartbreaking ... She's still my plucky little mummy but she's so weak now ... Physically she's so debilitated and it's absolutely beyond heartbreaking painful to see her like it ... It's cruel .... For one so strong, so determined and so able bodied and who had 3 jobs at one stage, to see her now ... It makes me wonder if there's any justice at all sometimes ... Her little arms are bruised where the hospital staff have tried doing blood tests and can't find her veins .... Her hair, once so luscious and vibrant red, now uncared for, through no fault of her own either ... Every time I see her, it's like a small piece of her went missing each time .... I'm watching my mum disappear before me and it hurts so bad ... She's my one true and best friend next to Eddie baby dog ... I just know if there's a crisis, I can go to her, I can go to her when everything else has turned to total shit and know that someone still loves me enough to know it's not my fault all the time and who will pick me up when I fall ... And I've done a lot of falling in my life and I still have the scars.

Pain wise, for some bizarre reason known only to the universe, I'm in some fucking rotten God awful pain .... Not even my morning bath eases it coupled with strong Co Codamol ... I'm at a loose end as to what to do in terms of pain management ... I try the whole package I'm aware of as in, hot bath, painkillers, distraction and mind diversion but on occasions like this it still doesn't seem to be enough ... My nodes are so swollen everywhere, the one's around my throat actually feel like they're placing pressure so much, I'm struggling to swallow just a fraction and it notices with my breathing too ... I was up and down the stairs this evening 4 times, I couldn't make it the 3rd and 4th time, the body pain was nuclear and my lungs completely crapped on me .... I felt like I was going to faint as I was gasping for air so much .... No drama intended there ... Just saying it how it was ... My right lung hurts, my lower back feels like I've been kicked there, my left ankle yells at me all the time, my elbows, arms, legs, right leg especially where the nerve damage is, rotten headache ... Just cannot seem to shake the bastard pain off at all .... 

Took my youngest to the dentist earlier today, they were running behind and the lady at reception, with a huge smile on her face, explained they were running behind and their 3:15 was still waiting and we were due in at 3:40 .... My son is fine about it ... My face needed deliverance, how on earth can someone smile all the way through giving you such news?! LOL ... My son pulled his phone out and was playing a game on it, me? ... I surfed eBay and fell asleep 3 times .... That's the thing with me ... Put old Mama Sarcoid here in a waiting room and I am guaranteed to fall asleep if I'm kept waiting for longer than 10 minutes!! Happens every time :) 

Speaking of sleep, I think it's about time I head off to bed ... I have a stack of catching up to do with friends on my Facebook and GG accounts ... Been missing so much of late ... I really hope to settle down at some point tomorrow and just relax and catch up with everyone ... Until then, please sleep well and have sweet dreams ... You're all in my thoughts ... Love you lots, always................


I made this in an app called Lumyer ... It's a VERY cool app LOL 

Sunday, 26 June 2016

My Weekend

Well, first of all I've no idea where the time went this weekend, it's gone 10pm on Sunday and the time has just flown by ... I've not felt 100% all weekend, plus with this whole outcome of the E.U Referendum, it's been sad watching friendships failing and people arguing and fighting ... I've been in a lot of pain but that's nothing new these days and I get tired of mentioning it as much as I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing it too .... I've also discovered that someone who caused me a lot of trouble last year on GG is still being a very silly little girl ... I hope that she at least shows enough maturity to understand that it's not up to her who her friends wish to befriend ... I'm sure she's jealous actually but only she knows that for sure and to be honest, I really don't give a fuck ... Go play child ... I'm too grown up for you.

I really don't wish her or anyone else harm, as much as quite a lot of people have caused me so much pain and harm in the past, I think life is way too short ... It's not worth my time and emotion to hate anyone ... I want to spend my time enjoying every moment, making memories and giving what I can to make life better and create happiness as much as possible ... 

Ok, I never really did get round to the next chapter did I? .. I can't even remember where I left off now ... Oh well ... Will start from here in the hope I've not already bored you with this one before LOL .... I'm going back to 2003, the year my husband died ... He died on his birthday, February 13th ... We were with him, myself, my brother and Maria, Dave's mum, dad and sister ... His heart just stopped, I watched my dad die and now my husband too ... Both at their bedside, both the 2 most important men in my life ... Just gone .... I had no clue where I was going and how lonely a journey I was about to undertake ... Yes I had my children, ages 7 and 5 ... But no adult to really keep me on the rails so to speak ... Dave looked after everything, the finances, the house in terms of if something needed doing or went wrong, the car if something went wrong, the whole lot in terms of if something needed doing that I couldn't do .... I really was lost, had not such a great friend at that time, someone who I thought was a good friend but turned out not to be ... Oh boy did I end up way off track ... I was used, abused and thrown out pretty much ... That's it in a nutshell and I will go into it more but my point here tonight is, I really can't hold on to any more bad stuff, it's happened, those who committed their shit are forgiven and I'm living my life trying to make happy memories and with decent people .. I don't need bullshit and the split second I even sense it, you're out ... Why did I end up going off the rails? Well, very condensed, my husband died, I got sick, I lost my home, I was too sick to work but with no definite diagnosis, only supposition and the whole combination sent me spiralling downwards ... I had spiteful ex in laws stirring the cauldron with lies, bringing so called friends into the mess so they stirred up shit too with them ... I literally lost everything, I ended up sick in a bed day and night, too weak to move, too weak and exhausted to shower, too exhausted to do anything ... I stopped opening the curtains, stopped answering the phone, stopped answering the door and opening mail ... I just stopped ... Anyone with half a grain of intelligence would have known it wasn't like the real me ... It took me years of suffering, pain, debilitation and isolation before they diagnosed me with pernicious anaemia ... I don't know if I've mentioned this before, if I have then I'm sorry ... I forgot ... What I'm trying to say is, if someone hurts you, forgive them .. You don't have to be friends with them or keep them in your life, but for you, forgive them ... They may not deserve it, but you do ... You deserve life, you deserve to be happy and to live without stress, hurt and pain ... If, like me, you're chronically sick with a potentially fatal illness, then please ... Let it go ... Let them go ... For you ... I've learned from my friend and sister to make memories, spend time with those you love and who want to be with you, make every moment count ... Because you don't know if you can tomorrow, you might wake tomorrow in a flare up ... You might not wake, that's how it is for me ... I don't discuss the seriousness of this disease with anyone offline ... It's serious and life threatening, every week pretty much, I receive news of a death through the illness I have ... It's so sad ... So live for you, live for those you love and do what makes you happy as long as you aren't hurting anyone in the process .... If you do struggle to get out, I do understand that having a quality of life is more difficult for you and if you could get out I know you would ... You're still an incredible warrior .... Know it and don't let anyone take it from you ... Soul stealers are vile .... You do not owe them a second or the sheer satisfaction of being able to make you feel bad .... You're better than that.

Right, well I will leave it there for now ... I have a lot more I would like to blog about ... Maybe in the week if I get time .... Until then I wish you all love, peace, happiness and every blessing ... Please take good care of yourself, may you be as pain free as possible and without trouble and heartache ... Help yourself to the graphic below ... I made it and just added a bit of sparkle .... Take good care of you and don't forget to live ... All my love and thank you for reading