Thursday, 30 June 2016

Long Week ⁉

OMG what a week so far and no, not in a bad way for the most part!! It has been nothing short of totally mental :) ... I've never known me to have as little free time as I've had this week .... But it's not all bad, although today I have felt very sad since I visited mum in hospital ... My sweet little mummy looked so frail and poorly earlier .... Anyone who knows my mum will know how strong, amazing and plucky she is, she's got the courage of a pride of lions and a real old school and very comical personality as well ... She's certainly a character and I love her with every part of my soul ... Seeing her today was heartbreaking ... She's still my plucky little mummy but she's so weak now ... Physically she's so debilitated and it's absolutely beyond heartbreaking painful to see her like it ... It's cruel .... For one so strong, so determined and so able bodied and who had 3 jobs at one stage, to see her now ... It makes me wonder if there's any justice at all sometimes ... Her little arms are bruised where the hospital staff have tried doing blood tests and can't find her veins .... Her hair, once so luscious and vibrant red, now uncared for, through no fault of her own either ... Every time I see her, it's like a small piece of her went missing each time .... I'm watching my mum disappear before me and it hurts so bad ... She's my one true and best friend next to Eddie baby dog ... I just know if there's a crisis, I can go to her, I can go to her when everything else has turned to total shit and know that someone still loves me enough to know it's not my fault all the time and who will pick me up when I fall ... And I've done a lot of falling in my life and I still have the scars.

Pain wise, for some bizarre reason known only to the universe, I'm in some fucking rotten God awful pain .... Not even my morning bath eases it coupled with strong Co Codamol ... I'm at a loose end as to what to do in terms of pain management ... I try the whole package I'm aware of as in, hot bath, painkillers, distraction and mind diversion but on occasions like this it still doesn't seem to be enough ... My nodes are so swollen everywhere, the one's around my throat actually feel like they're placing pressure so much, I'm struggling to swallow just a fraction and it notices with my breathing too ... I was up and down the stairs this evening 4 times, I couldn't make it the 3rd and 4th time, the body pain was nuclear and my lungs completely crapped on me .... I felt like I was going to faint as I was gasping for air so much .... No drama intended there ... Just saying it how it was ... My right lung hurts, my lower back feels like I've been kicked there, my left ankle yells at me all the time, my elbows, arms, legs, right leg especially where the nerve damage is, rotten headache ... Just cannot seem to shake the bastard pain off at all .... 

Took my youngest to the dentist earlier today, they were running behind and the lady at reception, with a huge smile on her face, explained they were running behind and their 3:15 was still waiting and we were due in at 3:40 .... My son is fine about it ... My face needed deliverance, how on earth can someone smile all the way through giving you such news?! LOL ... My son pulled his phone out and was playing a game on it, me? ... I surfed eBay and fell asleep 3 times .... That's the thing with me ... Put old Mama Sarcoid here in a waiting room and I am guaranteed to fall asleep if I'm kept waiting for longer than 10 minutes!! Happens every time :) 

Speaking of sleep, I think it's about time I head off to bed ... I have a stack of catching up to do with friends on my Facebook and GG accounts ... Been missing so much of late ... I really hope to settle down at some point tomorrow and just relax and catch up with everyone ... Until then, please sleep well and have sweet dreams ... You're all in my thoughts ... Love you lots, always................


I made this in an app called Lumyer ... It's a VERY cool app LOL 

Sunday, 26 June 2016

My Weekend

Well, first of all I've no idea where the time went this weekend, it's gone 10pm on Sunday and the time has just flown by ... I've not felt 100% all weekend, plus with this whole outcome of the E.U Referendum, it's been sad watching friendships failing and people arguing and fighting ... I've been in a lot of pain but that's nothing new these days and I get tired of mentioning it as much as I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing it too .... I've also discovered that someone who caused me a lot of trouble last year on GG is still being a very silly little girl ... I hope that she at least shows enough maturity to understand that it's not up to her who her friends wish to befriend ... I'm sure she's jealous actually but only she knows that for sure and to be honest, I really don't give a fuck ... Go play child ... I'm too grown up for you.

I really don't wish her or anyone else harm, as much as quite a lot of people have caused me so much pain and harm in the past, I think life is way too short ... It's not worth my time and emotion to hate anyone ... I want to spend my time enjoying every moment, making memories and giving what I can to make life better and create happiness as much as possible ... 

Ok, I never really did get round to the next chapter did I? .. I can't even remember where I left off now ... Oh well ... Will start from here in the hope I've not already bored you with this one before LOL .... I'm going back to 2003, the year my husband died ... He died on his birthday, February 13th ... We were with him, myself, my brother and Maria, Dave's mum, dad and sister ... His heart just stopped, I watched my dad die and now my husband too ... Both at their bedside, both the 2 most important men in my life ... Just gone .... I had no clue where I was going and how lonely a journey I was about to undertake ... Yes I had my children, ages 7 and 5 ... But no adult to really keep me on the rails so to speak ... Dave looked after everything, the finances, the house in terms of if something needed doing or went wrong, the car if something went wrong, the whole lot in terms of if something needed doing that I couldn't do .... I really was lost, had not such a great friend at that time, someone who I thought was a good friend but turned out not to be ... Oh boy did I end up way off track ... I was used, abused and thrown out pretty much ... That's it in a nutshell and I will go into it more but my point here tonight is, I really can't hold on to any more bad stuff, it's happened, those who committed their shit are forgiven and I'm living my life trying to make happy memories and with decent people .. I don't need bullshit and the split second I even sense it, you're out ... Why did I end up going off the rails? Well, very condensed, my husband died, I got sick, I lost my home, I was too sick to work but with no definite diagnosis, only supposition and the whole combination sent me spiralling downwards ... I had spiteful ex in laws stirring the cauldron with lies, bringing so called friends into the mess so they stirred up shit too with them ... I literally lost everything, I ended up sick in a bed day and night, too weak to move, too weak and exhausted to shower, too exhausted to do anything ... I stopped opening the curtains, stopped answering the phone, stopped answering the door and opening mail ... I just stopped ... Anyone with half a grain of intelligence would have known it wasn't like the real me ... It took me years of suffering, pain, debilitation and isolation before they diagnosed me with pernicious anaemia ... I don't know if I've mentioned this before, if I have then I'm sorry ... I forgot ... What I'm trying to say is, if someone hurts you, forgive them .. You don't have to be friends with them or keep them in your life, but for you, forgive them ... They may not deserve it, but you do ... You deserve life, you deserve to be happy and to live without stress, hurt and pain ... If, like me, you're chronically sick with a potentially fatal illness, then please ... Let it go ... Let them go ... For you ... I've learned from my friend and sister to make memories, spend time with those you love and who want to be with you, make every moment count ... Because you don't know if you can tomorrow, you might wake tomorrow in a flare up ... You might not wake, that's how it is for me ... I don't discuss the seriousness of this disease with anyone offline ... It's serious and life threatening, every week pretty much, I receive news of a death through the illness I have ... It's so sad ... So live for you, live for those you love and do what makes you happy as long as you aren't hurting anyone in the process .... If you do struggle to get out, I do understand that having a quality of life is more difficult for you and if you could get out I know you would ... You're still an incredible warrior .... Know it and don't let anyone take it from you ... Soul stealers are vile .... You do not owe them a second or the sheer satisfaction of being able to make you feel bad .... You're better than that.

Right, well I will leave it there for now ... I have a lot more I would like to blog about ... Maybe in the week if I get time .... Until then I wish you all love, peace, happiness and every blessing ... Please take good care of yourself, may you be as pain free as possible and without trouble and heartache ... Help yourself to the graphic below ... I made it and just added a bit of sparkle .... Take good care of you and don't forget to live ... All my love and thank you for reading 


Friday, 24 June 2016

E.U Referendum 🇬🇧

Ok I wasn't going to blog about the Referendum, after all this is supposed to be a Sarcoidosis blog ... Right? However, I've witnessed so much aggression and hate on Facebook throughout the course of the day, I just threw caution to the wind and said fuck it ... Let's all take a chill pill and calm down please .... I've seen insults fly, people unfriending one another, people blamed for placing the X in the box they wanted ... Oh man ... Really? .... We are adults, we are old enough to vote, we have that right in a free country ... We also have the right to disagree, it's not a crime ... But do we really have to be spiteful? ... I don't think it's necessary, despite whether we have that right or not ..... Politics are a fucker ... They make the fur fly and bonds crumble ... The problem is, everyone believes they're right ... Ok, fair enough, but agree to disagree then ... Simple as .... One point I will make ... I will personally, not be accountable for what happens, I will hold my head high and not hang my head in shame as I witnessed someone say and not to me thankfully, no one has the right to belittle and berate another into feeling that they should be totally ashamed of themselves for the way they voted .... That's cruel and I will first of all, not allow anyone the absolute pleasure of making me feel bad, nor will I stoop so low as to want to make someone else feel bad for not voting the same way I chose to vote ... I will say this .... I am proud to be British and I always will be ... I was born to old school parents who worked extremely hard for what they had, my father fought in the 2nd World War, my mum was caught up in the London Blitz .... Both were such proud people, it's something I picked up.... We had a good life as kids because of them, I had no idea I lived in such a beautiful home as a child, I took having so much space for granted because I knew no different ... But we never saw our parents, they were always working ... I worked very hard when I moved out at 18 ... My late husband, who was my boyfriend and I bought a small flat, we had fuck all ... Bricks and mortar and no bed, no cooker, no furniture.... But it was our life adventure and I never ever looked back .... I'm what some may describe as a true grit Brit ... I will never ever back down to any threat of taking what's rightfully mine, I feel I have contributed well over the years to the country's economy before I got poorly, no one has any right to deny that or take it from me ... Same as no one has any right to take it from my kids .... We are a very small Island but a very Great British one ... No matter which way we voted, I would never ever tell someone to hang their head in shame for it .... Of course the pound will drop and of course the stock markets will go all mental at uncertainty, but do you honestly believe in your heart of hearts that we, as a great British nation will crumble over it? ... Oh please .... We've faced so much adversity throughout history and we are still here .... We are small, but we are mighty .... Don't ever underestimate the great British backbone ... It never left, the lion may have been sleeping but I hear it's roar loud and clear now .... No matter which way you voted, be proud ... This is a new chapter, for all of us ... Why not look at it with a more open mind instead of just assuming we are doomed?  

The problem with a democracy is that you cannot please everyone ... Someone will always be disgruntled, but at least they were given the choice, the freedom to choose ... That counts for everything in a world of many troubles and atrocities ... I believe we live in the best country in the world ... Rule Britannia!

Sunday, 19 June 2016

Father's Day And More... 💜

Just here wishing all you wonderful Dads out there a very Happy Father's Day ... I hope you enjoy your day with your kids and that you get spoiled rotten :) 

I'm in the throes of a pain episode which kicked off on Friday night after I came home from walking my dog ... I've been in absolute agony ever since ... No matter what I do, where I put myself or how many pain killers I swallow, it's not doing Jack Shit or his wife for me .... I also want to thank someone for yesterday, it helped a bit so thank you .. I just want to do so much and I have tried but I end up in worse pain for it ... It's frustrating as much as anything else ... I have work tomorrow, I have to go in even if I'm on my hands and knees .... I just wish those around me would understand, I'm not doing this for sympathy or attention, when I say I'm in pain, I'm in fucking pain ... It makes me feel so low in mood, I want the curtains shut, complete peace and quiet and some understanding ... Even typing hurts ... I woke up shaking this morning ... I never make it out of bed without pain hitting but this weekend it's been hell ... I can usually manage it better ... I'm still expected to do everything around the home, I'm not managing so well with that right now, I'm also sleeping loads as well .. All I want to do is sleep when the pain eases enough ... It's exhausting ... I don't care what anyone unaware of this type of pain says ... Being in chronic pain is exhausting ... My body feels so weak at the moment .. The slightest movement is causing substantial pain ... But my will is strong ... I will get past this, so will you if you suffer the same .... I can understand why people commit suicide when they're in chronic pain .... We need more understanding and more support out there to try and help and assist the chronically sick in not only pain management, but health management overall ... At the moment we are treated with little understanding, much rejection and hostility ... Just because our illness may be rare or unheard of, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it is very real and it is also a mystery with no cure ... Can sarcoidosis kill you? ... Yes ..... How more serious do you want it? 

Thursday, 16 June 2016

New Seamless Background and Goodnight 💖

Ok, I just finished a seamless background which I've not uploaded to Glitter Graphics as yet ... I was hoping to explain better on how to make them but time has just rushed past and I've not really had the time I wanted to devote to writing everything out properly ... You are more than welcome to use the backgrounds I've uploaded here or on my Glitter Graphics account page HERE ... Just head to my uploads section and they're all located in there, also if you like the look of any graphics, I don't mind you helping yourself but there are some rules in which you must follow ... Please do not extract parts of my graphics to then use on your own ... Look, I get it ... We're all learning, I really do get that and understand and I'm not trying to be Bitch of the Year here ... However, you are in shit street big time if someone sees what you have done and ultimately then reports you to the artist and the fine for copyright infringement, last time I checked was hundreds of thousands of US dollars ... Ain't worth it is it? ... So .... For your own protection, leave well alone ... I do understand that purchasing kits and tubes can be expensive if you buy quite a lot ... It is tempting to add them to your shopping cart at light speed, I've done it myself but look at it this way ... I don't drink, nor do I smoke, I work and I am much happier spending the evening creating something on Photoshop than sitting in some bar or pub spending far more on booze .... These PSD tubes are for life, not just for use once ... Put into perspective, it ain't that expensive really but yes, it is if you're struggling and don't have a job for whatever reason ... I get it and I know life is cruel at times, it does kick where it hurts and we can't always afford to do what we want to do, but in the case of copyright infringement, I think you should seriously protect yourselves by not being tempted in the first place to demolish a graphic for use illegally ... For your sake as much as anything else ... Ok, here's the background ... It's seamless, I will try and ultimately explain the whole seamless gig much better hopefully soon ... Goodnight, please be safe, sleep well and keep warm ... Lots of love xxx

What A Week So Far!! :)

Do you ever have one of those days or weeks, months or even years? Bet you have the Friends theme song clanging round your brain now :) ... My week was chugging along like every average, normal as it gets for me kind of week ... Then my toe was in a jam along with the rest of me and it broke ... So .... I'm hobbling about like Long John Silver almost ... Then if that wasn't enough, I almost fell out with a work colleague over something so fucking stupid and petty, I still can't believe an adult human being would behave in such a way.... It's hopefully all sorted now anyway and it doesn't deserve a blog dedicated to the sheer bullshit so I'm moving along .........

In case anyone was wondering and in case I didn't mention it, things didn't work out and I'm once again back to being status widowed ... It's cool though, I don't let anyone in too close too soon as I like to get to know them properly before any mischief occurs .... I think in general I have known and dealt with way too many shit bricks in my time, posing as human beings and treating me like crap ... I've dealt with lies, abuse in every single way physically and emotionally, theft of goods and money, fucked up ex's, you name it.............. I'm not prepared to sit back and take any more bullshit off anyone any more ... I will not do that ... I refuse to ... I think I shock people sometimes as I am quite laid back I think, I don't really bother with anyone and it's their life, kind of thing, I do expect the same in return though along with manners and a level of respect ... I expect to be given what I give and when that doesn't happen and someone is nasty, then I don't accept it ... Simple as..........

In terms of relationships ... No thank you ... Not now .... Not ever .... I refuse to put myself through that pain, it's so weird as when someone first shows interest they're all full on bonkers about you, being all mushy and sweet and then it all stops, they turn all distant and oh I can't be bothered on you ... Well fuck you as neither can I .... I expect it and it's what always happens so bye bye and have a nice life ... At least when I am by myself I won't get lied to, told complete bullshit and be misled into believing I'm loved when actually, I'm a hobby almost ... I'm here when it suits the other person, all this oh you'll be involved in this and that ... It's all lip service ... It doesn't mean it'll be followed through .. It's just to keep me sweet ... I don't do hanging on every word ... I'm not that stupid.

So anyway, back to this week ... After my toe being broken, I still managed to get to work, I'm pleased about that ... I have been walking my Eddie baby dog but not as much as I'd like to ... It hurts after a while and I have to hobble back home ... I'm also quite cold for June ... I feel warmer during the day but the weather here has been warning after warning of downpours and thunderstorms ... The evenings feel cold to me ... Speaking of which it's almost time to take Eddie on his evening walk so I need to finish up here ... I'm a little stressed out with other stuff going on as well this week ... I've felt rather unwell, despite my B12 injection the other day ... The pain is just painful .. That doesn't even make sense LOL ... Everything just hurts constantly, I'm sleeping during the day again which isn't good, I just cannot seem to keep up ... The exhaustion hits and that's it ... Ok ... Time to walk my little sweetheart ... I might blog a bit later, maybe something Photoshop or Paint Shop Pro related ... Not sure yet but I hope you're all having a good week ... Sorry if I seem a grumpy arse ... I'm just tired all the time and in pain a lot ... Take care all of you ... Massive hugs xoxoxo

Wednesday, 15 June 2016

Seamless Background Tutorial on Paint Shop Pro, Well Sort Of!

Ok, I'm going to throw caution to the wind here :) ... This is my first ever loosely written tutorial and I honestly don't know if I explain stuff very well, hopefully this one might help if you are wondering how to make a seamless background for your blogger or your website perhaps? These backgrounds can be made in both Paint Shop Pro and in Photoshop, they're probably easier and more simple to create in Paint Shop Pro so I will do my best to explain as well as I can in the hope I can be of some help to you .... Ok here goes :)

First of all, open a new image, 500px by 500px, background white .... In these examples shown, I used a scrap kit I purchased from Tiny Turtle Designs here ... Their prices are very reasonable and I use their scrap kits A LOT! :) 

Next I added a new Raster Layer and flood filled it with a gradient like this

Ok, duplicate your gradient layer .... Now, on your top gradient layer click on effects, image effects, seamless tiling with the settings below, click on the image below for the enlarged view

Ok, what you need to do next is then choose the elements you wish to use ... I then built it up in layers, using the above settings to achieve the seamless effect .... I'm sorry I'm not so hot with explaining things like this but seamless backgrounds work along this principle and you can literally pick any elements you want to use ... I wanted to make a Candy Store type of background for upload and use on Glitter Graphics, my final result was the image below

You are more than welcome to use this if you like the look of it ... The heart floaties I found on a website and I added them at the end to complete the effect ... I'm not a tutorial writer so please accept my apologies if you are a newbie to Paint Shop Pro and if I'm speaking gobbledegook to you, if you have any questions then please leave them in a comment and I will try my best to help you with anything ... 

If you're new to Paint Shop Pro, may I strongly advise you to take baby steps with learning, especially if you are trying to teach yourself? You'll find many tutorials out there explaining the basics and they are most certainly worth learning to help you to advance and progress to a more intermediate level ... It does take time but please don't give up.

I started out with very simple things like glitter words ... Once you catch on then you begin to understand more and more about how the software works, what you do to achieve a certain effect and look and please, do not forget one golden rule I live by when making a tag/graphic/background .... Always build your creation in layers and save often ... Paint Shop Pro has been known to be a little notorious for crashing in the past in my experience and nothing will make me go AAAHHHH more! 

Sparkle effects :)

Well, I tend to use Xenofex 2 by Alien Skin Software, you can use it as a Photoshop and Paint Shop Pro Plugin ... 

Also VM and Xero do a sparkle Plugin for both softwares but I prefer Xenofex 2

If you're stuck with anything at all, please just ask, I won't mind and I won't bite ... We all start somewhere, sometimes things just make sense straight away, however, if you're anything like me, it takes ages for the penny to drop!

I found a website some years ago run by a lovely lady called Vix, her tutorials were a God send, she explains everything so well and I found them and her so helpful.

I would like to get to a stage where I can write tutorials and explain the process of tag making as clearly and as concisely... I'm not quite there but I'm happy to try and help in any way I can if you find yourself here and struggling 

Please take care, don't give up and above all else, enjoy your PSP'ing ... It is great fun once you get to grips with it and you'll find it opens doors to other exciting avenues to pursue, should you want to.

Good luck!

Hugs and love


Saturday, 11 June 2016

One For The Ladies.... LOL :)

Ok .. Men!! LOL ... Ladies we all roll our eyes when we say that word at some point :) ... I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and on a serious note in terms of relationships and the people we meet throughout life's journey .... Some I think are definitely a lesson learned and best rid of and unfortunately, that's pretty much how it is now for me personally.  I'm not saying all men are shit bags, of course they're not, but I've been too unguarded in the past and too lenient and accepting of crap I shouldn't have even considered as I'm better than all of it .... I've been so hurt and abused, physically, emotionally and mentally, one experience I can't even speak about because it is so traumatic and the main reason I truly believe the past is best left there ... Not just for our own sake but if you have any shred of intention and hope of moving on, it's so not fair to project that onto someone new in your life, it hurts them and they just end up feeling second best and issue sponge to your past ... That's really not fair on them ... I just know as a whole, I don't think I like men ... I like the guys I'm friends with, they're terrific human beings but the thought of a man in my life, having to change to please him, no fucking way .... No man out there as far as I know, would be willing to accept me for just me, without wanting to tweak me in some way or another ... Why should I change to suit them? I refuse to do that, I would have 10 years ago, but definitely not now ... The thought of a man beside me wanting cuddles ... Just ugh ... No ... Odd thing is I want the closeness, I want the love but the physical contact makes me feel physically sick just thinking about it ... The male form makes me feel sick for the most part.... When I get a hug, it's because I allow someone that closeness because I trust them ... I don't have issues in that sense but when a guy shows interest, then off goes my upchuck reflex into overdrive LOL ... I'm just plain odd! :)  Or am I just tip top wised up? 

Does anyone else share the same feelings and emotions too? I kind of feel alone in how I feel sometimes, what I really also can't stand is when a man is full on interested and proclaims he is madly in love with me, then it all switches to a 180 in a split second and blink of an eye and suddenly he's distant and really not that in love with me at all ... How am I ever supposed to believe it when a man tells me he loves me? ... Bottom line is, I don't now ... More pain, more reason to just never allow anyone near me ... I remain as I am for a lot of reasons, it's definitely for the best all round ... That way I don't get hurt, no one saying they're interested gets mucked about and things remain uncomplicated as much as possible ... So please, don't get ideas about me ... I'm officially unavailable and will remain that way ... It's safer, it's sensible and I'm not an issue punchbag or here to become embroiled in complications that will ultimately hurt me and make me feel unappreciated and unimportant in comparison to your needs and past matters ... I'm not here to seek the approval of others, I live my life how I see fit ... I don't ask other people if it's ok to just be me and to approve of those I choose to let in ... I certainly don't look to my past for answers in the present ... My advice here, for what it may or may not be worth is, if you really do love someone, don't just say it ... Help them to believe it and help them to feel like they really are your world and your everything, because if they are anything like me, you'll lose them in a heartbeat .... Same applies to friendship ... If you treat a friend like dirt then you're no friend to them ... They shouldn't have to put up with crap from you!

How they treat you is how they feel about you.

No one heals themselves by wounding another.

Friday, 10 June 2016

Friday!! Well, Only Just :)

I'm wide awake at gone midnight which is very unusual for me on a work night, but for some reason I feel like today I had an energy boost ... I'm not knocking it as it doesn't happen very often so I'm up and making the most of it before I hit the sack :) ... It's been a very busy week, not had hardly any time to call my own to be honest ... I'm either working or seeing to the kids and Eddie baby dog who had 2 trips to the Vet this week ... Nothing awful, he just loves going to the Vet :) ... First day he was weighed and is now on prescription food, he's not grossly or dangerously overweight, just a tiny bit chunky for his size and proportion ... He loves his food as well, so I'm really pleased the transition from his usual food to the prescription food is going so smoothly ... Work is going good too, I never really have much to say in terms of work as it's great ... Never been happier in a job ever .... The weather here has been a bit unstable ... We did have some thunderstorms in the week and it seems a little cooler now ... Sarcoidosis wise, well, it's sarcoid .... Enough said, I feel better this week in comparison to last week ... No 2 days are the same with this illness so make the most of the good days, they're rare as rocking horse shit for me ... On the bad days, hold on and just keep going like the warrior you are and were born to be! :) .... I found my late Father's war medals the other day .... He had me late in life, both my parents were heading for middle age when I came along, I really miss my Dad a lot ... My youngest son was named after him ... My Dad never really discussed his war days much, if at all ... He was posted to Singapore, all we have is a newspaper clipping of an article mentioning his name and from what I read, my poor Dad had a very unpleasant task out there.... He was an uncommonly loving and kind man, very gentle, never hit me or bashed me about .... Was a softie really :) ... When I think of what men like my Dad sacrificed for our freedom, I hope with all my heart that it was never in vain .... Many things have changed in this country, not all for the good in my honest opinion .... I wouldn't want to be a child growing up and experiencing life now at that tender age .... Not with the way things are going ... That's another topic really, not for now as I really should head off to bed ..... On a sarcoidosis note, if you do find you land here for whatever reason and need any advice, support or help with sarcoidosis then SILA have an amazing website, very informative ... Also if you have a Facebook account, there are some incredible support groups on there, I've gotten to know some wonderful friends and family online through them .... You're not alone, you may feel like you are, it can be a very anxious and daunting time for you if you are recently diagnosed, but please hold on .... Support is out there, family are out there.

On that note, I'll say goodnight and sweet dreams, thank you for calling by and for reading my blog entries, not all are sarcoidosis related, I literally chat about any old shit LOL ... Take care of yourselves and happy Friday! Massive hugs xoxoxoxoxoxo ........ Gina 

Sunday, 5 June 2016

Awful Day Yesterday And This Morning But Feeling A Bit Better Now .....

Ok, so I've not been on Blogger much at all, there's a few reasons why and one of them is a bit of a sarcoidosis flare up in the week just gone ... My face went all droopy on the left side again, numbness in the nerves, eye was significantly lower than the other on that side, migraine, yeah blah blah, happened before .... Yawn .... Upon the advice of a very good friend who I showed what was happening, I have been advised to seek a consultation with a Neurologist ... I will try and get to see my doctor hopefully this week coming as my endometriosis is also playing up and I'm in a huge amount of pain and discomfort, I also have a Cardiology appointment this week too ... I know I'm being a dickhead right now as I'm feeling sorry for myself ... Dickheads do that lol ... So ... Why am I feeling sorry for myself? ... It's stupid .... I had the flare up, so I couldn't do as much as I usually manage to do, I relied on one of my sons to walk the dogs, therefore I missed out on spending time with Eddie and his brother Gonzo ... Gonzo has gone home now and I've done nothing but cry since, I missed holding him in my arms last night and waking up with his front legs round my neck giving me kisses ... Eddie is so loving too but he's more of a Harry's dog right now, so I feel a bit unloved which is fucking pathetic .... I know he's happy as he's home with his mummy and he's loved and well cared for, I just miss the little guy and him having the energy of a Duracell bunny lol ... He was so hyper!! :) ... I'm sure the flare up is not helping my mood either, plus with the problems of endo too and the awful pain, I'm really not a chirpy chick ... So, I decided to have a chill on Facebook ... Well my God, wish I hadn't LOL ... I first of all find out that my friend and I have been blocked by someone from seeing their posts and that in our oblivion to this, we were being foul mouthed by said person, so that all kicked off .... Then bugger my bangers and call me Boris, if I didn't get a message from someone else who has caused shit in the past for me and my friends too ... No fucking thank you! You know what? ... I couldn't make this any plainer if I tattooed this on your fucking eyeballs ... Go the fuck away!! I actually pity you and people like you, who go out your way to be as spiteful and cruel as you possibly can and for what? .. To make yourself feel better ... I've seen you bully friends and even though I cut you out years ago, you still troll me then go bitching and being nasty to other people for talking to me ... If they too, have a low opinion of you then that's your fault ... Learn to treat other people well and as you would like to be treated and then maybe you'll start to form bonds based on kindness instead of you manipulating others into being your friend ... I do seriously pity you ... Now please go away ... I'm done.

This morning ... Oh boy .... This morning I got a lot of crap offline, for something so silly it really defies my human comprehension as to how it even happened ... But nonetheless, I feel like I'm just an issue punchbag in a lot of ways ... It's weird but since being widowed and then chronically sick, people have just walked out my life, some admittedly I kicked out with a huge boot mark on their sorry arse LOL ... There's very little tolerance for people like me out there, I find comfort from friends online who share in our illness or who are also chronically sick ... Because people like me are made to feel like we have no place in society sometimes ... We are made to feel bad by others who have no idea and who prefer to judge and label us ... Some take the attitude, oh it's not cancer so it's ok ... So much more needs to be done to alter the perception of the chronically sick ... I don't enjoy being in chronic pain without a break, I don't enjoy travelling miles to the hospital regularly, I don't enjoy having a stash of pills beside the bed or in my handbag, I don't enjoy depression as a result of my illness, I don't enjoy being unable to work full time, I don't enjoy feeling too unwell to honour all arrangements made, I don't enjoy not being able enough to just keep up, I don't enjoy being financially worse off because I'm sick and not being able to do everything I want to do for my kids, I don't enjoy being isolated from others because I'm not like them ... Do you understand? ... If you're chronically sick then of course you do ... It can be very lonely ... Not always through our own choice ... I've contemplated suicide several times in the past due to loneliness and pain and feeling rejected as I'm not a Gina and Dave any more and now I'm sick also .... 

I think I will leave it there, my brain is starting to dry up again so I'll finish up by saying, if you are one of those who has hurt me in the past, do not expect to be in my present and future, the simple answer is no ... If you are chronically sick then you have my utmost respect and support too ... Because I know the battles you face as I face them too ... And please, above all else .... DO NOT GIVE UP!

Loves and hugs always