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Tuesday, 30 August 2016

2 Blogs In 1 Day 😆

I was planning on blogging earlier but life wasn't about to play nice after all LOL .. Today started off reasonably ok, the usual aches and pains ... I've been a bit under the weather and put it down to the sore throat, cold and cough ... Blah ... Anyway, I decided to have another quiet day, thought I would get some more bits done this afternoon but it just didn't happen ... Yet again I'm having stomach problems and it really is getting me down so much now ... I know I could be way worse off than I am and I don't mean to complain but please, just please can I have one day where I wake up feeling ok? ... I feel awful for complaining as I know with all my heart and soul I could be way worse off than I am .... I think I'm just so tired of everything ... I have actually had very brief moments this summer, of actually wishing I wasn't here any more ... I've not had anything like this since around 2011/2012 ... Everything is such a struggle, everywhere I turn the onus falls on me to sort shit out and I'm tired of having to do that when I'm not operating at maximum capacity and output ... I am quiet with friends, people I'm close with and with family ... This isn't like me ... Everything is way too much ... I have no doubt that I'll snap out of it ... I'm sure I will ... I just hope it's soon .... 

It's hard to explain how chronic pain and illness affects you, especially to a person who doesn't experience this ... I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wouldn't wish any illness on anyone ... I was too sick to walk Eddie today so my youngest helped .... For me to be too poorly to walk him means I am really unwell as I walk him with all sorts wrong with me ... I thought the break from work would give me time to recharge and feel better, instead it's pelted fucking stress at me like being hit every single time by a fucking giant flying buffalo ... 

I don't know what the answer is ..... I just want the fuck out as this is so not what I signed up for! ... God I sound so ungrateful .. I know I do ... I will look back at this and feel so ashamed ... I should be too as I appreciate how precious life is .... Don't get me wrong, it is beautiful and precious in every way .... But, I've come to the conclusion that I'm taking on way too much ... Yes I choose to be a one person operation, no not through complete choice, but no one chooses to be widowed ... I certainly didn't ... I also didn't ask for the shit storm after Dave died .... I'm not bitter either, I hate being in pain ... Yes that is one thing I do hate but hating people, whether they're dickheads or not, is a total waste of time and energy ... 

So yes, dear whatever force of good you are out there, I've had enough ... Please help lighten my load and stop this I'm carrying a double decker bus on my shoulders feeling and yes, one day without pain would be so nice ... I'll probably think I've died and gone to heaven .... Please don't make me have to deal with shit heads any more either ... Haven't I known enough?

Oh yes, one last thing ... I want to move away from here .... I don't mean to be ungrateful for being where I am, it's lovely, but something is making me feel like it's time to go .... Like it's saying it'll be better if I do .... I just don't know where ... First time I ever had this feeling ... Like I should go but without any sense of direction as to where .... I know one thing, if I do then I ideally would like to be near a beach .... A nice beach, not some shitty place ... (Fussy bitch LOL)

So yeah, I'm very unsettled, in a lot of pain ... I can't settle in my chair tonight as it hurts so fucking much ... I don't want to be angry about it but I know I am coming across that way because I am angry .... 

It feels like my soul doesn't belong in this body ... Yep weirdo alert lol ... That's what it feels like ... I want to be running pain free through a meadow, the hot sun shining down on me ... With my Eddie baby dog beside me, no bodily restrictions, no mental torture, no feelings of abandonment haunting me any more ... I want someone I love there waiting to greet me .... I want to sit out at night looking up at the moon and stars,  I want my dad, my Harry dad I mean ... I want Dave, I should just shut up, I know ......

I am very appreciative of what I have .... I'm too restricted though body wise ... I feel imprisoned in a pain jail ... You can feel like there's a way out thanks to strong pain killers but it's all a lie ... You're still there when it all wears off ... Sure you can try and forget it all like I do, you can distract yourself with a hobby or a small job but that physical pain is always there .... You can try not to focus on it, you have to try so you can even live just a little ... It'll give you great moments and help you to make some amazing memories .... That's what you have to hold on to while living, that's what I tell myself every single day .... Because I have no choice, doesn't matter what I want, I have to rise above that and be grateful for what I have ... I have 2 beautiful kids and a beautiful dog ... An amazing and beautiful sister with Maria and yes I do have a handful of people who are worth everything to me .... But my soul wants out at times ... I don't even know if I'm making sense ... I look around and there's so much beauty in life, so much beauty on this planet, so much that makes me feel so disconnected to most people I know ... I couldn't have this conversation with 99% of the people I know as they'd swear blind I'm crazy LOL ... They'd probably think I took a few too many painkillers LOL ... So on that note I think it's time for bed ... Hopefully I'll settle and feel suitably horrible in the morning for posting this entry ... It's a mindset I'm in and yes I will snap out of it ... Bottom line is I don't feel like my inner being belongs here ... I want to move on ..... I just have no idea where that is ..... Don't worry either, I'm not about to do anything irrational .... It's a craving, a need I guess .... Goodnight, sleep well and look after yourselves .... Thank you for reading, I know I've complained, I know it's wrong ... I'm just being me though ... This is who I am right now in this moment .... Sweet dreams all xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo



Some New Graphics And A Catch Up ☕

Good morning, it's been ages since I last blogged so here I am again! I've been making some new graphics which I'll post at the end of this, in the meantime, well ... It's been a very stressful break from work ... My eldest son has been really poorly and so has my mum ... The pair of them combined, have sent me into almost a state of complete meltdown lol ... Not their fault at all, I know that, I just need a break on this break :) ... Anyway, I think mum now knows I'm sick, not because of the sarcoidosis ... Oh no, she truly doesn't, in a sense, give a shit about that ... I don't think it's because she doesn't care as such, she just doesn't get it ... If she had a diagnosis herself then it'd be different ... No one around me understands it, I piss them all off at various points because they can't be arsed to try and understand it, or they throw the 'oh well, I get pain too' shit back at me and make out they're some kind of superhero for managing despite ... I'm sick of these attitudes so as a result I won't be making an effort for or with these people in future ... Either accept me and the fact I have this, or walk away .... Sorry, this wasn't set out to be a rant ... I also have a cold, sore throat and cough and that's why mum has backed off .... Now. of course I'd never treat mum like that .. She just doesn't understand and she is old bless her ... But someone who isn't close or family can swivel on my mid digit and cry .... 

I was supposed to be having a catch up with my girls over coffee earlier in the month, I let them down because of this illness, they were absolutely fine about it, so ladies, it's not aimed at you either ... Just in case you pop by and have a read ... I know we can hopefully catch up at some point ... I know you are both fine about it too which is lovely of you and I appreciate it ....

I was also supposed to be looking after Eddie's brother Gonzo, I let my friends down at the last minute, that was the shittiest thing on my part, I felt terrible about it especially as they were so kind in offering to help, my kids were being really difficult as well  and a situation arose which I don't want to mention publicly but will discuss with them in private .. I do need to speak to my friends about that and I'm sure they were upset but they're not the types of people to be unkind ... So yes, I do owe them an explanation and some coffee ... So no, this isn't aimed at them and I'm glad they did find someone to take care of him as he is a beautiful boy and wonderful company........

My sister Maria, now .... She's the best person and sister ever ... Everyone should have someone like her in their lives ... If they don't then they're going to be very alone ... Even in my darker years, I knew she was there ... The thing was , because of the way things were, I stopped communicating with the outside world ... My kids, Maria and an altered mindset thanks to Maria and mum were reasons why I began to feel like I was worth something again ... It took a very long time ...... So, my point now is ..... You either accept I have this sarcoidosis and all that goes with it, you accept I also have endometriosis and all that pain and discomfort too, you accept I have depression and anxiety, you accept I have fibromyalgia caused by sarcoidosis, you accept all of that and me as me or you can get out my life ... I truly don't want you in my life unless you can just accept me the way I am ... I'm not unreliable ... My illnessses, however, are .... 2 haemorrhages over the summer break, a sarcoidosis episode inclusive of Bell's Palsy and pain throughout my entire body, I would love to see you being all yippidy dippidy with that lot!

So, if you were one of those who couldn't be bothered to understand then kindly remove yourself from my life ... Find someone who fits the criteria for the perfect human to be your friend and whatever else I suppose....

Ok now that's a load off LOL ... So I seem to have spent my summer break stressed and sick pretty much ... However, not to outweigh the good times as I have had some beautiful moments this August .... Eddie ... Oh yes, the light of my life ... The walks we have been on, he knows when I'm sick, he never pulls on the lead while we walk to the fields, he stays close to me, unless he goes into mental bunny chase mode LOL ... Then he's just cuter than cute :) .... I have some beautiful videos and photo's from this summer ... So there were good times, I did however have a breakdown, just so much pain and inside too, I dropped to my knees and cried and cried and cried ... It was late and thankfully no one was around, just Eddie and me, he sat beside me, looked at me very worried, didn't move from my side for the rest of the evening and night ... It wasn't all bad and crappy health stuff, but just in that moment, I didn't want to be here any more........

So, I'm back at work later this week .... Wow, it went so quick .... Also, I'm having wrist tattoos done in a few days ... Been promising them to myself for years and just threw caution to the wind and in a mad moment, booked them ... Besides I know these guys are the best ... My son has a beautiful sleeve in progress ... My lower back tattoo was done by the guy I'm going to ... He has a glowing reputation internationally ... So I know I'm in the best hands there ... I'm really excited about it ... Can't wait! :)

Ok so about those graphics I made LOL ... Here they are, please don't try and alter them in any way or remove the copyright, that's just illegal ... Please don't claim them as your own or copy them as that's just plain wrong .... On that note, enjoy!







Those are some Autumn ones I've made, more to come next time!




Sunday, 21 August 2016

A Lot Going On And Straight From The Heart....... 🙍

Yep, a lot has been going on recently .... I truly don't know where to start but I guess the beginning is a good place to try and explain from ... After all the hassle and aggravation with trying to get a new computer, I hoped that would be it and I could start to unwind and enjoy the summer break, but life decided it had other plans for me ..... My eldest son has been sick for weeks and weeks but is back in work now even though he is still unwell .... It's been exhausting and my mum, sadly, has been playing us up ... I never thought I would ever come clean about this ... I've always kept it so quiet and away from places like online social media outlets but I really do not know how much more I can take from this situation and her .... Yes I understand she's old and rather unwell and disabled, but for some reason she is being very rude and spiteful to and about everyone around her who are trying to help and support her .... It reminds me of being a child again and in turn it's throwing back the unhappier memories from my childhood where I sometimes had nowhere to turn to escape bullying as it happened at school and in the home .... An abusive childhood is something I have never really opened up about to anyone ... I've never been able to speak about things that happened and were said and done to me all those years ago ... But now more and more of my loved ones are seeing the reality and I feel such a heavy hearted sadness over it .... I never wanted this for my mum ... As much as she was and is a good mum, I know her and I know this part of her exists as I lived it for 18 years before I left home to start again and try and rebuild with my then boyfriend, who later became my husband ... The only years of my life that were free of abuse were when he was around and alive .... Everyone now sees this side of my mum which I felt I was the only one who saw and I don't know if I am even happy about it ... I don't feel overjoyed at all ... In fact it makes me feel sick to the stomach in all honesty that they see the person who only ever showed that side of themselves to me and possibly my older brother back then .... It's kicking off my anxiety big time ... I've had bouts of it whereby I don't really speak much, I struggle to leave the house even to walk my precious dog ... I am literally petrified all the time, I shake, I spend my time tucked away in bed, I make graphics to try and distract my mind from bad memories, the shouting, the physical harm, the lies .... It's not the only part of my life where I was abused ... It has happened in more recent times but I am not prepared or ready to open up ... I will let life run its course on that score .... Even typing this I've started shaking with fear ... I've always been so afraid of what people will say and how they'll react to something like this coming from me .... I don't want to go back there ... Not ever ... It all really became clear to other people when she started having a home carer, the carers didn't want to go to her as she was abusive to them, told them they were useless, told lies about them etc .... Then one carer came along, we found a lovely lady, the sweetest little soul you could ever wish to meet who genuinely had my mums and our best interests at heart, she kept my mums home spotless, mum was spotlessly clean, well fed, always presentable and even had a lovely new hair cut ... She took mum to Mass, did literally everything for her with a kind and loving heart ... My mum in turn repaid her with abuse, told lies about me and my sis and bro and passed nasty remarks and used foul language aimed at her also .... It made her carer poorly eventually and she just couldn't do it any more ... We lost a wonderful carer and because of this the drama and the hassle and lies began again, first off with a phone call waking me yesterday morning by Colindale police ... Social Services then became involved and made the problem worse ... Now everyone is lying to me apart from my sis and bro ... I simply cannot deal with this shit and why should anyone else be expected to? ... Plus with the illnesses I have, I simply couldn't physically do the things that meet the criteria to care for an elderly person who struggles to walk and has lost the ability to know when they need the toilet ... I don't have the strong stomach for it and the last time I looked after mum it didn't end well .... She abused me, she hit me too (ok it wasn't a good old beating as she's old but she raised her hand to me) then obviously I was to blame, I warned her time and time again I take ages to get ready because I am in a lot of pain all the time, I can't perform any task quickly and people around me do need a great deal of patience ... I take ages to do anything from graphics making to getting ready in the bathroom to housework ... So, I was too slow, I got on her nerves and took too long to do anything and my level of care wasn't good enough according to her, she's basically done the same thing to the last carer who was fantastic, that she's done to me throughout my life ... Made up her side, relayed that to everyone else and the truth remained the smallest grain of salt, there but not for those who don't see it for what it is .... Ugh, I am sorry, this post isn't supposed to be one of those sympathy seeking campaigns ... I'm just trying to get it out my system in a way that I don't have to open my mouth and speak, please don't feel sorry for me ... Hell no, it's not like that ... It is a clarification of why I feel the way I feel and have been feeling throughout my life on and off .... It may even be a strong reason why I am the way I am now .... I'm highly sensitive ... I notice a lot that others don't unless they're like me, I am drawn to artistic souls, deep souls, those who I feel I make an instant connection with and who I just know are on the same page as myself ... Art helps me so much ... Poetry, writing .... Yes I come across as a real bitch ... I know I do, but that is my protection, to stop people I am uncomfortable with getting too close ... I shut them out and I am very standoffish and snotty .... For the record, I can't stand being anywhere near men too .... Men actually make my skin crawl ... I dislike them touching me, hugging me, I cannot ever be alone with a man or I will freeze up completely in fear .... You can draw your own conclusion from that ... I have broken off potential relationships because I just don't want the closeness and intimacy, the thought of it makes me feel sick actually ... That's another reason why a relationship is out of the question .... I'm terrified of male contact ... It makes my skin crawl, my stomach turn and my whole body freeze completely ... First time I have openly admitted this too .... I've always said it's just because I'm happy as I am and yes I am, but that is a huge part why also .... When a guy takes my hand I can't stand it ... I'm always suspicious and waiting for them to hurt me and then they do .... Just don't come near me or get ideas .... It goes a lot deeper than me just wanting to be as I am, sarcoidosis and chronic illness wise as well .... Respect that and me .... Thank you and thank you for reading this blog ... I kind of feel better about opening up, but I still feel such sadness .... My past is knocking on the door, I just hope it doesn't decide to break the door down ... I'm not ready .............................

Friday, 12 August 2016

My Bucket List 🤔

Ok, so I haven't blogged in like, forever, for a few reasons ... First I had no computer for weeks ... My old computer, which wasn't overly old to be honest, I bought it in late 2012, went kaput ... The power supply unit needs replacing ... I made a decision to order a new power supply unit for it and pay for someone to replace it for me so I could keep my old machine ... BIG mistake ... First off I phoned a company called PC Callout Ltd ... They're online as PC Callout.com ... So, I phone and speak to a very nice lady who sends a computer engineer out that same day to me ... Very impressed, although when he got here there was nothing he could do, other than order the power supply unit ... He handed all the details over to the ladies in the office, all of whom, assure me the unit will be delivered by courier the next working day ... As it was Friday I waited til Monday and by the afternoon had heard nothing from them, so I gave them a call .... Was told the unit was ordered and to wait to hear from the engineer ... So I waited ..... And I waited some more.  By Wednesday I was getting rather pissed off as in between waiting I had called the office and been promised 3-4 call backs by then and none had bothered to respond ... I was then told the part wasn't available when I phoned back rather cross .... So then I asked for a refund ... That took this company a week of broken promises of call backs and my money to be returned to me .... All this on top of haemorrhaging and being in absolute agony and my eldest son being poorly as well ... Not a great start to the school holiday ... Anyway by the Friday of last week I was ripping my hair out with it all, my money was eventually refunded and I went with my gut instinct and purchased a new computer and accessories to go, all with a year's warranty for less than what I'd have paid to have my old machine fixed .... I'm almost up and running again, still have a lot of loading on to do, but fingers crossed, I'm getting there now ... I'm haemorrhaging again so have to take it easy, I've got to pick up my prescription from the Chemist later on ... So, in the meantime I'm having toast, coffee and cuddles with my Eddie baby dog and thought, why not finish my bucket list? My friend for many years, Lorraine, said I made a good start, I haven't seen Lorraine since I was a teenager, but we got back in contact recently thanks to a very dear friend of my late husband finding me on Facebook ... It's lovely being back in touch after so many years ... One of the very best things about Facebook is when you are back in touch with old friends. 

So, my bucket list began with this:-

1) Swim with non captive dolphins
2) Watch the sunrise on a beach in the summer
3) Visit my friends scattered across the globe from Wales to New Zealand
4) Make peace with those who hurt me, doesn't mean I have to see them, but for me, just to allow myself to let them and what they did go, I think I have done that but just in case I've missed anyone out ;)
5) Own some Keith Garvey art for my home, some door skins and hopefully some art work on my walls too 
6) Have my kids name's tattooed on my wrists, yes I'm having this done in a few weeks by Michael Rose (look him up, he's amazing!) I picked a beautiful design in purple, sky blue and black so I'm very much looking forward to this as I've been promising for years to have this done and now I'm just going for it.
7) Eat cake ... Come on, there's always room for cake :)
8) Find better methods of pain management ... This is something I think, can help if you can somehow train your mind to believe it's not there or isn't as awful? Yeah I mean, strong pain killers do the trick for now, but what am I going to do when I've pretty much worked my way through the codeine bunch and am left with not much choice? The thought of opiods isn't appealing at all ... I need to do something before I get that far and in all reality, I know the sarcoidosis is just going to continue to deteriorate me within ... My nodes are so enlarged now they squeeze my throat, they trap nerves and press on organs causing more pain .... My bones and joints are deteriorating, my organs aren't functioning as well as they should, my eyesight is deteriorating through middle age and sarcoidosis, I don't have much time left in terms of quality of life .... I need to make the most of now as tomorrow, I just don't know if it'll be possible the way things are going
9) This is something I want to see - The truth coming out, enough said
10) Find a way so my Eddie baby dog will be young and live forever with me, this is odd to some but makes perfect sense to me, when I die, I want my Eddie to rest with me ... He will be on sacred ground, I want his name with mine and something I wrote for him, so everyone knows the joy he brought me in life, he came along when I needed him and he's my very best friend.  

There, all done :) ... Have a wonderful Friday and thank you for calling by xoxoxo