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Friday, 27 January 2017

Update - 🤗

Just popping in to update my Blog as it has been a little while and I've been keeping myself busy building a couple of Wix websites, both links provided on the right hand side :) 

I went back to work this week and it has done me good to be honest ... I'm not moping around and although I'm still struggling to sleep at night, I am actually getting about 2 - 3 hours now instead of zero sleep at all ... Yes I am worn out but maybe I just can't sub consciously cope with death ... I was terrible after my husband died, my sons were still so young, I used to put them to bed at 8 every night and I would be sat up all night watching over them and thinking ... You kind of feel like this can't be real and maybe the person you love who's died will just come home and make it all better again by being back .... It's so hard to process something so devastating and for me, it just sets my mind racing into hyperdrive and then I can't sleep, my anxiety kicks off, then I wind up in a vicious circle ... Work breaks the circle but the thinking and dwelling is still a monster for me right now ... 

As far as my graphics go, I have made quite a few more, I am uploading them to my Wix websites and plan on blogging from my Wix more so than here ... I love being on here, I just feel this is connected more so with the illness Sarcoidosis, I know I blog about other topics too but when I first created this page it was to do with a view of purely blogging about sarcoid.....

I guess there's only so much I can say about sarcoidosis, it's very sad how many of my sarcoidosis family on Facebook suffer so much, are so misunderstood and I hear of death from this illness all the time, I've even had a couple of online friends die from it ... It breaks my heart that it does this, so little awareness coupled with so much misunderstanding of what is for me and many of us, a very painful illness, my sight is deteriorating due to eye involvement, it caused a mini stroke and loss of feeling in my face, I have heart problems, I have difficulty breathing after climbing the stairs, just things like this I tell no one about, just plod along like I'm fine as I can't talk to anyone offline about it ... 

I've known sarcoidosis patients commit suicide as they can't cope with the pain any more ... How sad is that? How awful to be suffering so much and to feel you have no alternative but to end your life to be free from pain and misunderstanding ..... 

Well, I think I've said enough, I don't wish to rant, we all try our best and more than that we simply cannot do ... I like to think on the good things, my family, my dog, my job and the fact that I do have so much to be thankful for .... Sarcoidosis - I have it but it will never have me. 

Massive loves and hugs, head over to my Wix HERE to catch up on my latest blogs and tags/graphics updates! Love you all 

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Thank You 😘

It's been quite a while since my last blog, as you know if you've read the previous one, my beautiful mum passed away and I decided to put my big girl bloomers on and head back into the world... I went back to work, I tried to be as "normal" as possible given how heartbroken I actually am, I tried ..... I hopefully gave my sons as good a Christmas as I could .... But I just can't do life right now ... The depression and anxiety have really taken hold of me ... It hurts so much without my mum .... I just want my mum .... I want to hear her voice so much, I can't sleep at night as I lay awake thinking about her, or I'm trying to distract myself but in the end, it's still the same ... I miss mum, it hurts and I try to be as normal as I can but the pain of losing her isn't easing and I never expected it to ... In fact it hurts more every day .... 

This blog is titled thank you because without my brother and Maria, I know I would be a million times worse .... They've not given up on me even though I'm not talkative at all, I love hearing from them, I just struggle to respond ... I don't know how to do this, I need time to figure out where I'm going now without mum ... When my husband died, I always turned to mum ... Mum was there through everything, she even took on the role of Dad to my sons too ... We knew it, if ever there were a crisis, mum was there to help ... She had a wonderful gift of reading people very well too .... A gift I hope I now have too as I was shit at it back then LOL ... She knew when someone was taking advantage of me, very intuitive lady and very smart ... I wish I had her wisdom, she was so loved too by so many .... Her funeral was pretty much standing room only ... The service was beautiful, a service she would have been very proud to have .... I think she would be pleased with how it was all done and with her resting place ... I hope John and Maria read this because without them I would definitely be so much worse ... I've had clinical depression since my late husband passed away, I don't cope well with losing people I love, both in life and in death ... I have to learn to adapt to a way of carrying on with all this pain inside of me, I just don't know how yet but I hope to figure it out ... I'm signed off work for the rest of this week ... I think going back will help distract ... I miss Lynda too, I love how we get on well, we have coffee while we work, she's helped me so much and I don't think she really knows it ... I was so scared and frightened of going back into the world and working too and she has done wonders to help me feel like I belong somewhere and learn that there are indeed good people in this world other than my family .... 

On another note, I have been busy making tags and graphics in my free time, I've also built a web page in honour and loving memory of my mum ... Please call by if you have some time and would like to take a look round ... CLICK HERE ... I will also place the link in the tab bar at the top of the page too when I can .... Also I have added a shoutbox at the foot of my blog page, please feel free to say hello .. I'd love to hear from you and if you have any suggestions or requests ...

Big hugs and love for you all and thank you for calling by!